Elisa's Journal

I don't know what is it about men; they couldn't find a purple and green striped elephant if it were perched up on their tie rack in the closet--not even if it were to offer a selection of ties draped over its trunk. Why the universal disability? Is it some hopelessly encoded DNA glitch, an off shoot of Darwinian evolution or an evil plot to drive women mad? For example, my husband, who planned to cook his favorite dish for our family dinner, announced with great authority that we were out of spaghetti. Having just gotten a packet from the market the day before, I assured him that his plans would not have to be dashed or interrupted by a night run to Krogers. He trodded skeptically back to the pantry and still insisted I was wrong. Maybe I hallucinated buying $212 dollars worth of mostly nonnutritious, fat and sugar laden food. It could happen. So I got up to check for myself. Not only was it nestled amongst the other pastas on the second shelf, it was front and center. Do I have to install miniature neon signs. Perhaps I should calculate the GPS coordinated of everything in our house down to the last poker chip and arm him with that list and a Garmin handheld GPS. Since I'm way to lazy to undertake such a behemoth chore, I decided to see just how he went about looking for stuff. Maybe it's the same with the men in your household. Mine--whether husband or sons, simply trudge to the general vicinity of where they believe the object in question to be and stare straight ahead to find it. There is no lateral or vertical movement of their eyeballs. There is no turning of their heads from side to side or up and down. It's almost as if they're injected with a hefty dose of the paralytic agent Pavulon when the words, "I wonder where" tickle their brain cells. Not wanting to mess with neurobiolochemistry and realizing that derailing centuries of evolution is a lost cause anyway, anytime my husband or sons ask me where something is, I reply, "It's right behind the milk, Dear." I first, they took it literally, but when it came down to lighter fluid and dog treats, they began to understand that this phrase, when translated, means "Put some effort into it, Buster, cuz I ain't budging from this LazyBoy until you do."