Acute Gross Out Episode
Ewww. Dogs are sooo gross. I have three, all of them with varying degrees of grossitude, Zoe, my Weimaraner, winning first place. It's the big slobbery tongue that seem to plant itself on my kids faces, dubs as the rinse cycle for my dishwasher, and drools buckets of foamy yuck whenever she's vicariously enjoying our dinners. Every once in a while she comes in smelling terrible, having rolled in some dog version of a delicacy. But tonight, she outdid herself. Not only did she reek, she was chewing on what looked like some smelly animal. One of my kids determined that the poor victim was a frog (ubiquitous as mosquitos here in Texas). Ugh, it's legs were dangling out of Zoe's mouth. What's worse, the Kermit seemed to be stuck on her canines, so she was gnawing and worrying it to death, even using her paws to try to get it out of her mouth. I was too nauseated to take a closer look, but I was concerned because toads are poisonous (warts notwithstanding). So I called my husband, Rune, who, as our resident hero defending us against grossology, kicks into high gear at a moment's notice when we call him to rid us of cockroaches, puddles of doggie pee and, well, you know. So, reluctantly, he snapped on some latex gloves with all the flare of a neurosurgeon prepping for a conjoined twin separation, and he fished the thing out of her mouth. Dude, the guy actually brought the slimy clump of frog flesh up to his nose to smell it. And he announced, to us all, "Yep, it's a frog." Okay, I try to squint to avoid seeing intimate graphic details, but in a careless lapse, I saw it all: the spotted slimy skin, the threads of muscle tissue fraying underneath it, and eww. I had to go throw up in the nearest sink. My kids were confused by this, of course, exclaiming, "But Mom, you're a doctor," to which I replied: "Yes, but I'm not a frog doctor, and certainly not a strip-of-putrid-frog-flesh doctor." Sooo gross. In the end, we found out it was only a ball of duct tape that had gotten caught on a tooth, but, hey, duct tape is a guy's department too, right? I felt kinda silly throwing up over duct tape, but, well, that episode is but one in the long, long, long, long list of silly things I've done and do and will do. Sweet dreams all.