Elisa's Journal

In the aftermath of 911, an unprecedented sense of purpose, compassion and community emerged not only within our nation as a whole, but within many of its individual families. Marital, sibling and parent-child bonds seemed—however briefly—stronger and healthier than ever before. But before long, most of us lapsed back into those same bad habits that fuel the flames of family discord. Where are the tools we need to sustain that sense of happy togetherness?
Family friction generally arises from the things we say, not the things we do. Many of the remarks that make up our parenting lingo might surprise you, because at first glance, they appear harmless. Most are ingrained habits handed down from one generation of parents to the next until they have become so reflexive, they suggest our mouths have minds of their own. But all can change the family milieu from peaceful unity to intolerable battleground by driving children to any or all of the following states, each of which leaves no room for reflecting on choices and consequences:
Low self-esteem: Feeling rotten about themselves
Victimization: Thinking about how mean their parents are to them
Self-defense: Thinking of ways to defend their pride and sense of worth.
Parent Deafness: Thinking about anything else because they’re hammered with the same remarks until it becomes background noise.
Before we look at some of the remarks that might damage our kids, let’s consider some healthier alternatives. All constructive ways of talking with our children involves changing our role in the parent-child relationship. Rather than being the inflexible dictator or the meddling manager, we must be their guides—impartial, firm and supportive. From the objective perspective this new role allows, we can view their misbehavior as a teachable moment rather than a personal vendetta meant to drive us to an early grave.
Although logical consequences should be our principal discipline tool, non-confrontational remarks are valuable as well. Let’s look at the five categories of “peacemaker” remarks:
Limited choices (never to be used as a bribe)
If/then: “If you get dressed in time, you’ll have more time to watch cartoons before the bus comes.”
When/then: “When you finish your tantrum, then we can go to the park as we planned.”
This or that: “It’s bedtime. What do you want to do first, take a bath or read a story?”
Impartial observations
“I see it’s already 6:00, and you haven’t started your homework, yet.”
Objective information
“Our family uses words, not hitting.”
“It’s not safe to run on the dock.”
“I” messages
“I feel upset when people track mud on the floor I just mopped.” (See how I chose to say “people” rather than “you?” This makes the remark even less confrontational, but your feelings are still expressed.)
Questioning
“What is our rule about playing with matches?” (The child answers.) “Why do we have that rule?” (The child answers.) “What do you need to do now?” (The child answers.)
When using a polite tone of voice, none of these take on an accusatory or judgmental tone that suggests a personal attack, so rather than react against us or themselves, our children feel comfortable contemplating what we say and applying it to their present and future choices. This makes these remarks highly effective in bringing about desirable behaviors and extinguishing undesirable ones.
Now that we have the peaceful and effective alternatives, let’s examine those harmful parent remarks they will replace and how by looking at examples for each category and some of the alternatives. Remember, though, no remark packs as effective a punch as the logical consequences our children experience for their poor choices.
Remarks That Provoke or Stress
Negatives like “no,” “don’t,” “stop,” “can’t,” and “quit.”
Example: “Tommy, stop run around the pool!”
Alternatives: “Running around the pool is not safe.” Or, when he does fall, say lovingly, “Gosh, Tommy, I’m sorry you forgot about our rule not to run around the pool.”
Example: “No, you can’t have a cookie! It’s suppertime!”
Alternative: “Yes, you can have a cookie after you’ve eaten supper.”
Angry, disrespectful remarks
Example: “Be quiet!” or “Shut up!”
Alternatives: “If you want to be loud, you must go outside.”
Example: “Put that back!”
Alternatives: “Our family doesn’t touch things that don’t belong to them.”
Example: “You drive me crazy!”
Alternatives: “I get annoyed when people whine and beg.” “I see you are whining. How do you feel when someone whines to you? What is our rule about whining? Why do we have that rule? Can you think of better ways of expressing what you want?”
Time crunch remarks
Example: “Hurry up!”
Alternative: “I see the bus comes in five minutes, and you haven’t finished breakfast.” (Frankly, I’d take those kids who are ready and pick the dawdlers up later so they get a tardy. I’ve done this and it works great!)
Competition encouraging remarks
“Let’s see who can get dressed the quickest!”
“I like the way Sally is sitting so quietly.” (An attempt to get the other siblings to do the same.)
Alternatives: “The bus comes in five minutes. What do you need to do to get yourself ready?” “Running around in a restaurant is not allowed in our family. It disturbs others around us.”
Remarks That Judge
These remarks often have our own personal, often negative evaluation attached.
Criticism/nagging
Example: “You’re hair is a rat’s nest. You need to comb it.”
Alternative: It’s her hair! Let her wear it as she pleases! She’ll suffer a natural consequence if a nest of birds takes up housekeeping in her hair. You can also offer help, “Would you like me to help you brush your hair?”
Reprimand
Example: “How dare you talk to me in that tone of voice, Mister!”
Alternatives: “You can stay here and speak respectfully, or leave the room.” “Our family speaks in a respectful tone to others.” “What is the family rule about talking that way? Why do we have that rule?”
Negative comparisons
Example: “Your sister learned her multiplication tables. Why can’t you?”
Alternative: “I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time with this. Can I help you?” In many cases, the natural consequence is probably sufficient.
Negative labeling
Example: “You’re so clumsy.”
Alternative: “I see you spilled the milk. What do you need to do now?” Try to point out what they did right in the task, if possible: “Wow, you got the milk out of the fridge all by yourself!”
Negative generalizations
Example: “You always forget to do your chores.” (Or “You never remember to do your chores.”)
Alternatives: “I see the trash hasn’t been carried out yet.” “I took the trash out for you when I heard the garbage truck coming. I deducted 10 dollars from your allowance to pay for my time.” “What’s the rule about doing our chores before watching TV?”
Guilt or shame provoking remarks
Some of these remarks are punitive, (“I wish you were never born,”) while others address the child personally, rather than the behavior, (“You’re a bad boy.”)
Example: “I’m so disappointed in you for making your sister cry.” (Shame)
Alternatives: “Our family treats others kindly.” “You can play with your sister again when you’ve taken care of her feelings.”
Example: “If you loved me, you’d try harder in school.” (Guilt)
Alternative: “You seem to be having trouble in math. Is there anything I can do to help?”
Words of martyrdom
Example: “Fine, I’ll make your school lunch. I guess I’m everyone’s personal slave here!”
Alternatives: “We pack our own lunches in our family.” “That is a task you can do on your own, Bobby. You can either pack your own lunch or skip lunch tomorrow. It’s up to you.” So the kid goes hungry at lunch! Children old enough to take care of their personal needs should, unless you just offer to help out of the kindness of your heart.
Remarks That Show Conditional Love and Acceptance
Love qualifiers
Examples: “I love you but…” “I love you if…” “I love you when…”
Alternative: Avoid using but, if or when in the same statement expressing love or affection.
Apology qualifiers
Examples: “I’m sorry I spanked you, but I hate when you interrupt me!”
Alternative: Let the apology stand alone. Qualifiers completely negate apologies.
Demanding reciprocity
Example: “After I spent all that money on birthday presents for you, the least you could do is treat your brother nicely.”
Alternative: Disconnect the good deeds you do from your expectations for your children’s behavior. In this case, if Johnny is pinching his brother, he shouldn’t be allowed to play with him until he’s ready to make better choices.
Remarks That Tell Kids What to Think and Do
Thought indoctrination (telling them what they should be thinking)
Example: “Don’t be ridiculous, you don’t hate your sister!”
Alternative: “I’m sorry to see you not getting along with your sister, but I’m sure you two will find a way to work out your differences.”
Example: “You should be proud.”
Alternatives: “I bet you’re proud.” “You must be proud.”
Invalidating
Example: “No it isn’t a boring movie.”
Alternative: “What did you find boring about the move?”
Example: “You don’t/won’t understand.”
Alternative: “Let me explain how I feel about that.”
Stating opinions as fact
Example: “People that pierce their noses are just no good punks who probably do drugs.”
Alternative: Make sure you express your opinions with an “I” message: “I don’t like the idea of nose piercing or any other form of self-mutilation. I’d be afraid of future regrets and the risks of infection and other complications. What is your opinion?”
Remarks That Control and Dominate
Directives (Telling kids what to do, whether in anger or calmly)
Example: “Erik, go get your jacket.”
Alternative: “Erik, it’s 20 degrees out. What do you need to do to be comfortable at school today, Sweetie?”
Threats (real and idle,) ultimatums and overly oppressive punishments
Example: “If you don’t quit your crying, they’ll be no birthday party.”
Alternative: “When you stop crying, then we can continue discussing party plans.”
Example: “If you don’t clean your room, you’re grounded for a month.”
Alternative: In our house, every Sunday I announce that in one hour, I’m going into their bedrooms with a trash bag picking up anything not properly put away, and taking it to a shelter as a donation. (And I do!) To make it come off as a logical consequence, I tell them not only that I don’t want to step on a toy and hurt myself, but if they can’t put away their things, they have more possessions than they can take care of to begin with.
Imposing authority/superiority
Example: “Because I’m the boss, that’s why!”
Alternatives: Any of the five remark techniques will work here, depending on the misbehavior. For instance, if the child is questioning why he should help set the table, you can say, “Because in or family, we all help each other out.” You can also say, “You don’t have to. That’s your decision. But only those share a task can reap its rewards.”
Stating illogical punishments
Example: “Young man, I want you to write ‘I will not rip the heads of my sister’s Barbie Dolls’ 100 times on a sheet of paper!”
Alternatives: “You will need to replace the doll you destroyed. Get your wallet and we’ll drive to the toy store and buy your sister a new one.” “Our family shows respect for the property of others.” “What is the rule about caring for the property of others?” (The child answers.) “Why do we have that rule?” (The child answers.) “Good. What do you need to do to make things right?” (The child answers.)
Wimpy and Confusing
Asking permission to discipline
Example: Anything that ends in “,okay? Or alright?” “Stop stalling and take your bath, okay?”
Alternative: “If you take your bath now, we’ll have enough time for a bedtime story.” Negotiating, explaining, lecturing, pleading, etc.
Examples: Hey, we’ve all done it, so no need for examples. Anything that leaves our children with a glazed-over look in their eyes probably fits this category.
Alternatives: Use the tools discussed earlier: objective information, logical consequences, limited choices, impartial observations, etc.
Bailout remarks
Examples: “Okay, I’m going to give you one more chance, but you better not start complaining again!” “Fine, I’ll help write your book report, but I don’t want any more procrastinating again, Susie.” “Okay, just one more chance!”
Alternative: Stick to your guns and allow them to experience the consequence they’ve earned.
As you can see, most of these suggestions involve removing rather than adding things to our already brimming parenting plate. Relying on consequences rather than diatribes means delegating more responsibility to our children to grow up well so that parenting is less labor intensive. And when we replace remarks that bring about emotionally exhausting power struggles w ith ones that keep the peace, parenting becomes a joy rather than a burden.
Soon, we will begin to develop faith in our children to overcome hardship, conquer challenges, tolerate frustration, settle conflicts, make difficult choices, handle consequences, and manage responsibilities. This faith helps us forge an optimistic view of their future and encourages them to develop the resilience, independence, and self-confidence necessary to building character.
I encourage you to try the following experiment: for the next two weeks:
Eliminate all directives.
Eliminate all negatives.
Use respectfully delivered logical consequences as your primary form of discipline.
Within that time frame, you will experience a newfound sense of harmony in the family that makes life as a parent worthwhile again. And when harmony spreads family to family, like a ripple in a pond, it will also spread community to community, coast to coast, country to country. See what we’re all becoming a part of now?