Elisa's Journal

Minimizing sibling rivalry
The driving force behind most sibling squabbles is the struggle to compete for parental love and approval. And when they vie for attention within the family, they embroil any adults within shouting range into what can become an intense power play that has been known to bring grown men to their knees, sobbing uncontrollably. When children pit parent against parent against sibling, their conflict is not a fertile field for personal growth and stronger bonds; it’s a battlefield strewn with resentment and jealousy. Here are some suggestions that can minimize the rivalry and make whatever conflict that arises between children productive, enlightening, and worthwhile:

ÿ Never interfere with sibling arguments unless death and dismemberment are distinct possibilities. Naturally it strikes the fear in any sane adult to see kids tussling in a ball of dust, hair, and limbs, but in truth, children seldom hurt each other badly. The only time I stick my nose in my kids’ business is when their fights disturbs my peace whereupon I take them each gently by the arm, toss them out into the backyard, and, in my most pleasant voice, tell them, “You may come back in when you’ve worked things out.” Of course, the first couple of times I did this I had to scramble like Flo Jo to lock every other door to the outside. When they claimed they had signed a peace treaty, it’d sometimes take every wheezing, gasping neuron in my brain to uncover their bluffing. Tangible proof, such as blood—preferably theirs, is ideal. If the treaty was a sham, the fighting usually started within the first three seconds of crossing the threshold, whereupon I’d calmly toss them out again, this time for much, much longer. (I find these moments perfect for that long-awaited bubble bath.)
ÿ Never let them suck you in. Kids will come up to you and tattle on one another just as easily as they would take a breath. When one child says something like, “Kristina said I was a stupid dork,” reply with, “You didn’t believe her, did you?” If they whine, “Annika hit me!” you might say, “I have faith in you two to work it out on your own,” or “Hmm. You two were getting along so well yesterday. I wonder what’s different today? Whatever it s, I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to solve it.” You can also provide objective information like, “We don’t believe in tattling in our family. We take care of our differences on our own.” At first, kids will continue to protest with, “But Mom’s…” If they do, simply restate your case without taking anyone’s side, pointing fingers, criticizing, and so on. For instance, say, “I’m sorry you two are unhappy with each other. Nevertheless, it’s not my job to settle your arguments. That’s something you can handle on your own.” You can make it even simpler by saying, “Not my job!” ever time they squeal.
ÿ Never allow tattling in the family unless someone is in danger of getting seriously injured or if someone’s property is poised in front of a proverbial wrecking ball. If one of my children tries to tattle about some egregious injustice a sibling inflicted on him or her, I’ll respond with, ‘We don’t tattle in our family except to prevent someone from doing something dangerous or from breaking something. Unless that’s the case, this is a job you can handle on your own.” Sure, they roll their eyes with as much drama as they can muster, but over time, they stop coming up to me with constant reports on the questionable comings and goings of their brothers and sisters that make them sound like a sports commentator at a soccer match. Now, I don’t remember the last time I overheard one of my kids say, “Ommmm. I’m telling!”
ÿ Be sure to acknowledge their feelings without taking sides. For instance, if the child comes crying to you about the huge incisor marks embellishing him, thanks to his big brother, you can say something like, “I’m sorry you’re hurt, but I know you can handle him on your own,” instead of “I know how you feel. I hate when your brother acts like that.”
ÿ Never label one sibling in front of the other or compare them to one another—either positively or negatively. When a child is told she’s tidier than her sibling, that sibling is going to make life miserable for her. And when a child has his nose rubbed into the fact that his brother makes better grades than he does, that brother might just be snubbed. As far as labeling goes, whether Brent hears you call Cameron “A boy genius” or “A clumsy oaf,” these are going to be powerful ammo for future sibling wars.
ÿ Never play favorites. Many adults have stronger connections with one kid over another. If that’s the case with you, keep your preferences under wraps. Kids pick up on the subtlest of signals, and if they get wind of it, they’ll compete even more intensely for your love and approval. Sibling rivalry will hit unprecedented levels, the power struggles will intensify, and self-esteems will be the first casualties.
ÿ Never dismiss or refute their feelings during a sibling quarrel by saying something like, “Don’t be silly! You don’t hate Brianna!” Instead, try acknowledging her with “I know how much it hurts you when you don’t get along. I bet you two will work things out soon.”
ÿ When kids do get along, point it out by making an impartial observation and following up with questioning: “You two are big buddies now! Do you have more fun when you get along?”
ÿ Discuss the advantages of constructive sibling disagreements: How they help them learn to resolve interpersonal conflicts, explore their own beliefs, test their ideas, and define their identities.
ÿ Share your own sibling war stories. If you’re close to your brothers and sisters, let your kids know how those relationships were strengthened by working through your differences as children and adolescents. If you’re not very close, talk about your regrets and what you think you could have done differently.
ÿ Never tell children you love each of them equally Kids want to feel they have a unique and personal relationship with you. I use one-on-one time to share the long list of things I think are so special about them. Nighttime is perfect for this, because you’ve got a captive audience. Tucked into their beds, they’re not going to dash off to another adventure. Their minds are still. You’re snuggling with them. What better time to talk about how much you love them? I also have what we fondly refer to as “Buddy Day.” Each of my five children has his or her own special day of the week when we spend one-on-one time together, and nothing takes priority over that time. We’ve even made up secret handshakes and sayings to go along with it. Our outings are usually something brief: going out for ice cream, having a Slurpee at Target, or going to the neighborhood park to ride on the merry-go-round and swing on the swings. One thing I forbid, however, is using that time to buy a toy or other treat. It’s about enjoying time together, not “getting something.” For several years now, each of my kids have looked forward to their special “Buddy Day” with mom. And I have too.

Encouraging love and forgiveness
Most kids would rather be tied to an anthill with honey rubbed all over their naked bodies than to be forced to either hug or apologize to another kid—especially, God forbid, a sibling. I’m not sure why we adults do this. Maybe we think they’ll be magically overcome with love or remorse. Maybe we think it’s an old Native American custom for becoming life long blood brothers. But whatever our beliefs, they’re just delusions. The hugs are stiff variations of strangleholds or limp adaptations of a coma. The apologies are uttered though gritted teeth and stares that promise a painful revenge in the dead of night when they least expect it. That said, this common tactic should be forever nixed.
Love, compassion, and respect between kids should be allowed to develop on its own with only a slight nudge from time to time. We can accomplish much of this by minimizing rivalry and competition, as we have already discussed, And through the changes we make in our adult/child communication, we can also see to it that children grow up in a harmonious environment where everyone is allowed to have their own opinions and ideas, where everyone is comfortable earning acceptance rather than pursuing it out of a desperate need, and where children enjoy each other’s approval, but do not need it to be fulfilled and happy. With this foundation of acceptance, inner strength, and harmony, we can then encourage them to experiment with affection—to have the courage to reach beyond their inhibitions and beyond their fears of being in a vulnerable position, emotionally.
I’ve encouraged experiments like these a number of times with my own kids, with great success, I might add. For instance, one day, my then eight year-old son, Lukas, and my fourteen year-old daughter, Michelle, had a verbal argument that practically rattled the pots and pans from their place in the cupboard and dislodged the caulking between the bathroom tiles. In the end, they both stormed to their own bedrooms in tears. After about fifteen minutes (when the plaster and dust settled,) I called the ten year-old into another room and said, “I know you don’t want to fight with Michelle. You guys seem to have so much fun when you get along. Would you be open to conducting a little experiment in human behavior?” Loving science as he does—as evidenced by the recent metamorphosis of my kitchen into a look-alike for Dexter’s Laboratory, Lukas agreed. So, I asked him to knock on Michelle’s door. Fortunately, I had coached him to ask, “Can I please come in, Michelle?” in his sweetest prepubertal voice in response to her screaming out, “WHAT DO YOU WANT!” When she said, “OKAY, FINE. COME IN THEN, YOU CREEP!” (She was really curious at this point and was probably hoping he’d beg for forgiveness, promise to be her personal slave for life—well, you know the bit.) Then, he went over to her, gave her a hug, and said, “I’m sorry we’re not getting along,” and left without a word. This last part had two purposes: First, it’s always good to flee the premises in case the whole thing misfires. Second, by leaving, Lukas kept it simple. If he had lingered, Michelle may have wondered if he had some ulterior motive, like wanting to play Zelda with her on her Playstation, borrowing some of her CD’s, and so on. By reaching and then withdrawing, he was proving to her that all he wanted was for things to be okay between them, and that now, the next move was hers. Sure enough, after a few minutes, she came out of her dragon’s cave, threw her arms around him, told him she loved him, and took him by the hand to her room so they could play Zelda together. Afterwards, we discussed how those recent chain of events were proof that kindness is so powerful, it can change someone’s attitude from seething to melting in a matter of seconds.
You can also encourage kids to be good role models with each other, especially the older ones. Give them certain responsibilities like reading bedtime stories to the younger ones, supervising them during play, helping them with their schoolwork, and so on.
Try to enlist kids in responsibilities and other activities they can do cooperatively: “Can you two help cook dinner while I bathe the baby?” or “Maybe you both can wash the dishes while I finish the laundry.”
Seize every opportunity to evoke their feelings of empathy for other children: “Tommy just get scratched by the neighbor’s cat. Do me a favor and get it cleaned up while I call the doctor to schedule an appointment for a tetanus shot.”
Children will soon learn that most friendships come and go. They have arguments and break up, they move away, etc. Use these trying times to discuss how their relationship with their siblings is a lifelong friendship they can always count on, especially if they work hard to maintain it.
To cultivate closeness between siblings, have them sleep in the same room at night—when they’re younger, have them sleep in the same bed (exceptions: cover hogs, snorers, and bed-wetters.) When children don’t have an ounce of energy left to wrangle, they can quietly reminisce, share dreams, and revel in “the giggles.”

Teaching children how to resolve conflicts peacefully
By changing the way you communicate with children, several things happen. First, all environments where this communication occurs will be more tranquil. Since your language doesn’t foster unhealthy competition or approval seeking, the children with whom you interact won’t be scrambling for your attention, knocking others off the pecking ladder along the way. They’ll be no manipulative attempts to pit you against another child, no sense that one child is better than another, etc. Second, you’ll model the constructive expression of emotions for them. Third, you’ll show children that you have faith in them to resolve most of their problems on their own, and this includes interpersonal conflicts with other kids. When they understand that you have no intention of rushing in to rescue them from those conflicts, they’re not going to be as likely to pick fights to begin with. I wish I could say the same for picking their noses, however.
Once you establish a peaceful milieu, all that’s left is for them to hone their communication skills when the opportunity arises. Here are some examples of how to pass that peace pipe along:
When children use any of the harmful remarks mentioned in this book, model a healthier alternative. For instance, if a boy tells his classmate: “Stop hogging the computer,” Say aloud, “I need time to finish typing up my report. Could I please use the computer now?” When a brother tells his sister, “You stepped on my model airplane and broke it! I hate you, you clumsy oaf!” say, “You broke my airplane, Eliza. Whenever someone breaks somebody else’s stuff, it’s their responsibility to replace it.” After you’ve modeled a constructive alternative, don’t insist they repeat it. All you want to do at this point is just bait the hook and hope for a nibble. If they don’t bite now and rephrase their remark, it’s not important. Eventually, they’ll internalize what you’ve repeatedly modeled. When a logical consequence is appropriate, as in the second example, it will be your job to see that it’s delivered and carried through. If the fighting escalates, give them both a consequence (have them go elsewhere, forbid them from playing together for awhile, etc.) plus, use one of the other tactics we’ve discussed throughout the book—providing objective information, giving limited choices, and so on.
Remember that four-step approach in Chapter Two for expressing our own anger constructively? You can also teach children to follow this when they have disagreements with others. You’ll have to guide them through the process the first several times, and they may be so angry with one another that you have to coerce them into following the procedure by, for example, giving them a limited choice: “You guys can go back outside to play with the rest of the kids as soon as you’ve settle your argument. Until then, you’ll have to sit here on the sofa.” But, eventually, they’ll be able to go through this process without little or no help. Again, the four steps are the same we would use:

1. Have one child tell the other that he or she is angry.
2. Have them explain why, based on the two root emotions, hurt or fear.
3. Encourage the child to state his or her expectations for the other.
4. Finally, have the child insist on an acknowledgement from the other.

If both kids are responsible for the conflict, which is almost always the case, have the other one go through these same four steps. Make sure they both know that neither of them can speak until the other has completed all of the steps. Here’s an example of how two children might settle their conflict this way.

Josh: “I’m really mad at you, because called me an “idiot.” That hurt my feelings. I want you to stop calling me names. Okay?” (The root emotion behind Josh’s anger is hurt.)
Bill: “Okay, fine.” (Now it’s Bill’s turn. Make sure he doesn’t begin with the word, “but,” because this is a qualifier that essentially refutes his promise.) “I called you that, because you tripped me, and I fell and dropped my whole tray lunch on the floor. That made me very angry, because not only did I hurt my wrist, everyone laughed at me. I’m afraid people are going to think I’m a loser. (Bill’s anger is based on both hurt and fear.) I want you to stop trying to trip me when I’m walking back from the lunch line. Can you agree to that?”
Josh: “Sure, I guess. I’m sorry I hurt you, Bill.”

Believe it or not, after you’ve guided them through this a few times, children will spontaneously start to resolve all of their conflicts using this approach. They may not do so perfectly at first, but once they see how effective this technique is, they’ll prefer it to bruises and tears any day of the week.
When children are overwhelmed with anger, frustration, or some other negative emotion, you can help temper those feelings by mirroring their emotions, but to a greater extreme. Let’s look at an example first, then I’ll explain how it works:

Child: “I’m never speaking to Cindy again! She picked Alex and Janie first for the kickball team. Some friend she is!”
You: “What? I thought you were her best friend? That makes me so mad I can’t see straight! Maybe she shouldn’t be the captain of the team! I mean, what kind of loyalty is that?”
Child: “Yeah, I know!”
You: “If I were you I wouldn’t have any more to do with her. She’s acting like a traitor!”
Child (in a less angry voice): “Well, after all, her job as captain is to choose the best players first. I’m disappointed that she didn’t choose me first, but at least I wasn’t chosen last! That’d be really embarrassing.”
You: “Hey, you’re one of the best! I’ve seen you play! What a double crosser!”
Child (even more calmly): “I know, but Alex is a faster runner and Janie can kick farther than me. I guess I would have made the same choice.”
You: “Yeah, but the least she could have done is warn you and give you an explanation first so you could be prepared.”
Child (calmly): “True, but she did come over and apologize to me when she saw how upset I was.”
You: “Well, alright. I guess she did the right thing after all. I shouldn’t be so upset with her.”
Child: “Yeah, I mean, she’s not a bad person. She’s my very best friend in the world. Can she sleep over this weekend?”
You: “Sure, why not?”

As you can see, the child was brought back to center in response to the adult’s exaggerated reaction. This works well with adults and children alike, because people generally dislike extremes. When another person goes off the deep end, they’ll do anything they can to drag them back to a more moderate position. And, as in the above example, this often requires them to rethink their own.