Teaching kids to express anger constructively
Rescuing from problem solving, conflict resolution, and other challenges
Children are quite capable of solving problems, meeting challenges, and working out differences with others, as long as they have the tools to do so and as long as the challenge is age-appropriate. Only a parental lack of faith prevents them from practicing these crucial life skills.
Resist the urge to solve your child’s problems for her. Intervene only with feedback, guidance and encouragement. Suppose your child wants to be in Girl Scouts again this year, but her best friend is dropping out. Use questions to help guide her:
“Why does she want to quit?”
“Is there any way you can change her mind?”
“What do you plan to do if she refuses to reconsider?”
“What other friends will be in your troop?”
“What are the pros and cons for deciding to stay versus dropping out like Sarah did?”
Also offer acknowledgement and comfort:
“I’m sorry she decided not to stay. I know you two are such good friends. You must be pretty sad about her decision. No matter how hard things seem now; I know you’ll handle it well. And whatever you decide to do, you have my support.”
When your child struggles with a problem, resist the urge to explain its nature and how to solve it without first letting her have a stab at it. Here’s an illustration of rescuing through explanation: “The reason you can’t get your zipper up is you don’t have the ends lined up. Line them up and pull the zipper down over them. Then try zipping up.” Avoid over-explaining by replacing these remarks with “It looks like the ends don’t match. I wonder how you could fix that?”
Don’t rescue your child in advance by assuming she doesn’t have or won’t remember the knowledge needed to prevent or solve a problem: “Now, remember, you have to mix the dry ingredients together before you add the milk,” or “Be sure you wear socks under your rubber boots, or you’ll get blisters.”
Sometimes we try to spare children interpersonal conflict with friends, siblings, and other people. Sibling rivalry is enough to push us off the deep end, so the minute our second child is born, we hone referee skills that would qualify us for the NFL. But when you intervene in relationship problems, you not only deny your children the opportunity to develop conflict resolution skills, you also arm them with one more weapon of manipulation that can catapult parent-child power struggles to new levels.
Staying out of his conflicts doesn’t mean you don’t teach your child techniques to voice his anger constructively. Anger should not be suppressed. It communicates to other people behaviors we will not tolerate. The four-step approach to conflict below relies on assertiveness. It stresses that name-calling and insults only widen the rift and defeat the purpose anger is meant to serve. These four steps include:
1. First, teach your child to say he is angry in a firm tone of voice, using “I” messages:
“I’m very mad at you!”
2. Then, he should indicate why he is mad, based on one of two root emotions: fear or hurt. Anger is not really a root emotion. Fear or hurt always underlie it:
“It hurts my feelings when you talk about me behind my back.”
“I’m afraid you’re going to hurt me if you keep tripping me in the halls.”
3. Next, your child should state his expectations:
“I want you to stop spreading all those false rumors.”
“I want you to stop tripping me from now on.”
4. Last, he should insist on an acknowledgement:
“Can you agree to that?”
“Okay?”
Once you teach your children this approach for expressing anger, they will grow stronger with every relationship instead of destroying old bonds or squandering opportunities to build new ones.
When my children have an irreconcilable difference, I make them sit down and go through the above steps until they’re both satisfied. At first, I needed to be there to mediate, but now they follow the steps on their own.
What do you do when your children appeal to you to settle their conflicts? If it’s a situation they can handle on their own, you might respond, “I have faith in you to handle this on your own,” or “You two were getting along so well yesterday. What’s different today?”
No matter what, make it clear that solving their disagreements is not more important to you than it is to them. And, as I’ve mentioned before, if their fighting disturbs the peace, don’t hesitate to shoo them outside or into another room until they’ve worked things out. Until they do, their lives are on hold, entertaining activities notwithstanding.
Children who are allowed to work out their differences with others generally form healthier and longer lasting bonds throughout their lives. They also get needed practice in valuable skills such as compromise and negotiation.