Halloween is Coming. Now that's Scary!
I can't believe summer isn't even over yet and the stores in our neighborhood already have their Halloween stuff in. I don't mind that so much as what it represents--the dreaded holiday season is just around the corner. Ugh. Sometimes it seems like there are only two times of year: The October 31st through January 1st madness and those other months we spend reviving our nerves, replenishing our pocket books, and restoring our bodies back to health. It isn’t enough we have to plan a Thanksgiving dinner for 37 annoying relatives, clean up the culinary aftermath before it qualifies as a disaster area, shop for a demanding and finicky boss, decorate the house with tacky knick-knacks, erect moth-eaten inflatable snowmen and rust-encrusted reindeer in the front yard, untangle strings of lights wound up tightly into balls the size of German Shepherds and put on a New Years Party the very thought of which makes us feel hungover. Toss wildly excited kids on extreme sugar highs into the mix and, well, sometimes it’s easy to forget what you’re supposed to be celebrating to begin with! If you’re anything like me, you have love-hate relationships with those formidable months. Let’s see how your holiday season compares:
Ten Signs That You’re Succumbing to Holiday Insanity
1. Your wallet is empty of all but fluffs of lint and receipts dating back to July 1995.
2. Your children complain they’re bored more than 1,265 times a day.
3. Your children contain so much refined sugar in their diets that hummingbirds are beginning to nest in their hair.
4. Your children engage in frenzied activities: spinning at hurl-level G-forces, slamming their bodies into every wall, and driving everyone within a ten-mile radius completely nuts.
5. They submit constantly changing versions of their holiday wish lists, most of which have “coming out in paperback soon” emblazoned on the cover page. Their final revisions usually hit your desk after you’ve done all your shopping. And nine times out of ten, you’re way off the mark.
6. The total cost of the items on that list could subsidize the construction and operation of a brand new naval fleet for the Dominican Republic.
7. You toy with the idea of putting a third lien on your mortgage.
8. You toy with the idea on selling your children to the highest bidder. Or the lowest. Whoever commits before the end of the year.
9. You toy with the idea of converting to a religion that regards holidays as the work of the Devil.
10. You toy with the idea of running away from home. And your packed bags are standing by the front door just in case.
ANyone want to join me? Next train leaves this afternoon.