Family Secrets Exposed
If you don't already have kids, beware of one disadvantage parents don't often share--once they can talk or even draw, no family secret is safe. And to all those skeletons hiding in the closet, better run for cover cuz your days are numbered.
SOme of you may come to this realization at your first teacher parent conference when the teacher shows you the family picture your 3 year old drew where you're holding a martini glass and your husband is wearing a shirt with a marijuana leaf emblem clearly emblazoned across the front. Or she may voice her concern that your child expresses daily worry about the funny voices coming from behind your bedroom door at night (for some, that's a concern you may only have to worry about on your birthday and anniversary, but then that's yet another pitfall for having kids. We'll open that can of worms later on.) Some of you may have to field calls from the school or (gulp) CPS when your kid announces every spanking and verbal lashing or brings your packet of birth control pills and your copy of The Naked Ape to show and tell. Some of you may come to realize complete strangers know about your impending divorce before you've had a chance to ring the lawyer. Your friends and acquaintenances will confront you with "So, I'm an obnoxious pig, am I?" or "Katie tells me you think I should have gotten a volume discount from the plastic surgeon." or "Do you really think my butt looks like 2 hogs fighting in a gunny sack?" Everyone will know everything from your balance sheet to how often you get your roots done. Although there have probably been others much worse that my id or ego or superego or whatever the hell has shoved to the abysmal depths of my subconscious, one of my most embarrassing moments was when my the 5 year old approaches me as I sit in the living room chatting with the in-laws and presents my diaphram to me in her grubby outstretched hand. "What's this, Mommy," she asked. I did the only thing any decent and upstanding mom would do. I said, "It's a soup bowl for midgets, Sweetie." She bought it, but I don't think the in-laws did. Of course I made sure to clear the pantry of all soup cans lest I see her giving the funky soup bowl her own test drive. All I can say is thank the lord I remembered to clean it the night before.