1) You sterilize your baby's bottles
2) You sterilize your nipples (ouch)
3) You carry a bottle of Purell in every purse you own and slather your children in it at the first hint of a foul breeze or any trip in public.
4) You insist your children bundle up like Nanook from the North when the outside temperature dips below 60.
5) You apply to college for a second degree so you can be your child's dorm roomie.
6) You dust your daughters for fingerprints after every date.
7) You have full FBI, CIA, PD, NAACP, USDA (or whatever) files on every kid your daughter dates.
8) You don't allow your daughters to date (until they're thirty and run away from home).
9) Your teenager still sleeps with a baby monitor.
10) You insist your children wear a helmet while sitting in the grocery cart.
11) You equip your children with hockey protective gear when they play outside.
12) You get up at night to make sure your teenagers are still breathing.
13) You spend countless hours shopping for organic, additive-free, dye-free, sugar-free, chemical-free, preservative-free, taste-free food for your children.
14) Your teenagers still use safety scissors.
15) You cut up your teenagers' meat because they're not old enough to handle sharp objects.
16) You hurry to the emergency room in the middle of the night when your children cough, wheeze, or blow snot bubbles from their nostrils.
17) You re-enroll yourself in kindergarten for a "refresher course" and insist you be placed in the same class as your child.
18) You call your teenagers every ten minutes to see how their dates are going.
19) You think bubble wrap apparel has all the makings of a new trend in fashion.
20) You are your children's official "food tester" in public eateries. You never know when some evil child hater is out to poison everyone under the age of 20.