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How to Handle Them to Encourage Self-Direction
The best way to make children good is to make them happy. —Wilde
Here are some periodically updated inner-directed suggestions that will help with some of the most trying child-rearing difficulties we may stumble upon. All of these approaches are designed to preserve your children’s ability to rely on internal dialogue instead of external influences to assess and correct their behavior. Using this section as a ready reference will help you raise a self-directed child, even if it means carrying the book, tattered and tear-stained, to the market, in the car or at home. There are some challenges that, I hope, you will never have to face, but others will be as inevitable as a pimple on prom night.
To get to self-direction, there are a few universal caveats for every one of the situations that follow. First, our children need to understand and agree with both the need for the rule and the consequences for breaking it. Only when they come to agree with our rules, through their own internal dialogue, will they become self-directed. Second, look to your own parenting strategy as the possible source of some of the problem. Are you over-controlling or over-protective? Either trait can elicit an externally directed response, as your children react to an unhealthy situation. Third, remember for all these parenting challenges how important it is for you, as the parent, to model the right behavior. If you’re expecting your children to act one way and you act another, the double standard will throw a monkey wrench into their whole internal dialogue machinery.
And lastly, don’t forget to laugh.
Children
break, spill and knock over things as though it’s a national pastime. Part of
the reason for these accidents is they haven’t quite figured out the
relationship between their bodies and the space around them. And sometimes,
their reflexes are inappropriately quick, making them difficult to manage.
Occasionally, though, children will have accidents to manipulate, annoy, or take
revenge, but this motive is exceedingly rare.
Have
them clean up their own spills and pay for those things they break. If they have
to do tasks above and beyond their usual chores to earn extra money, so be it.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Make
observations that are nonjudgmental: “It seems like your glass of milk was
resting on your place mat. Maybe that’s why it tipped over.” “Throwing a
ball in the house is not safe for the indigenous lamp population.”
If
they’re new at whatever task backfired, observe what was good. “Everyone
spills sometimes, Timmy. But did you see how you got the carton of milk out of
the refrigerator by yourself? After you clean up, let’s give it another
try!”
Use
humor: Pretend like you’re a news anchor holding an imaginary mike to your
mouth and say: “This just in, folks: an earthquake registering 6.5 on the
Richter scale has just been reported with the epicenter located on the breakfast
table at the Medhus’s house.”
Use
minimalist techniques: “Tommy, milk.” Point to the mess.
Use
questioning to get them to think about their actions: “How do you think I feel
about having syrup all over the floor?” “What do you think you can do now to
make things all right?”
Give
choices: “If you clean up that milk, then you can try pouring another glass
again.”
If
they have an “accident” on purpose, whether to manipulate or show their
anger, they should also be given a time-out to rethink their motives.
Children
resort to physical aggression for many reasons. Some aren’t quite mature
enough
to think about the consequences and control their impulses. Some are more
skilled non-verbally than verbally, so they don’t know how to handle conflicts
with words, especially in the heat of the moment. Some children can’t handle
feelings that overwhelm them, especially anger and frustration.
They
should be removed to another place to cool off. Once there, guide them through
an appropriate reasoning process. Show them that you understand their feelings:
“I know how angry you must have felt when Jimmy took your turn in line. It’s
okay to feel angry, even with one of your friends.”
Teach
them empathy: “How do you think Jimmy felt when you bit him?” “How does it
feel when someone bites you?”
Help
them find alternatives: “What words can you use next time to let Jimmy know
he’s making a bad choice?”
Teach
them to make amends: “What can you do now to make Jimmy feel better?”
If
they persist in using aggressive acts as a means of resolving their conflicts,
tell them, “I’m afraid you might make the same bad choice again, so Jimmy
has to go home, now.”
Let
them know that you have faith in them to make better choices: “Maybe you and
Jimmy can play together tomorrow when we go to the park. I know you’ll choose
to use your words next time.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Use
questioning: “James, what are the rules about hitting in our family?”
“What do you need to do next time instead?” “What do you need to do to
make your sister feel better?” This questioning helps them develop their own
internal dialogue later on.
Give
impartial descriptions and information: “Hitting is not allowed in our
family.” “Sarah looks like she was really hurt by that kick.”
Some
children benefit from learning relaxation techniques like breathing exercises
and meditation. These techniques allow children to cool off enough to think
about the consequences of their actions.
Give
limited choices: “When you stop pulling cat’s tail, then you can play with
her again.”
Occasionally,
children with speech/language disorders can have trouble with aggression. If you
think your child may have such a disorder, ask the teacher to make a referral to
the school speech/language pathologist.
Children
resort to substance abuse for many reasons, all of which I’ve discussed in
chapter 7.
The
consequences should be harsh and nonnegotiable. For instance, they can be
subjected to a three-month period where they’re not allowed to go out with
their friends: “John, you’re making too many terrible choices when you’re
with your friends, so I’ll have to remove you from them until I feel
comfortable that you’re ready to make more responsible decisions.”
Take
their car away for three months. They can spend a couple of weekends
volunteering in a halfway house for teens recovering from substance abuse
problems or in other community service projects that deal with this same issue.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Have
your child and the rest of the family get appropriate counseling if substance
abuse is more than a one-time experiment. Investigating family relationships and
uncovering depression or other psychiatric illnesses may be vital.
Use
examples. I love to point out the old folks dragging their oxygen canisters
behind them in the grocery store, with long green tubes connecting them via
their nostrils. Or how about that drunk singing show tunes at the bus stop?
Pretty hip, eh?
Use
questioning: “What are the rules about smoking in our family?” “Why do you
suppose we have that rule?” “What do you think when you see Aunt Sally
smoking?”
“When
you make better choices and stop sneaking alcohol at parties, then we’ll feel
more comfortable about giving you back your car.”
Sometimes
children are so overwhelmed with affection for their pets that they
inadvertently squeeze the stuffing out of them, so to speak. Some are just
curious to see what happens when they kick, prod, or hurl Kitty across the room.
On rare occasion, children have a psychiatric illness that causes them to have
sadistic urges.
Take
the animal away from your child. If they can’t play with their pets gently,
they shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy the benefits of playing with them at all.
If
the behavior persists, give the animal to someone who’ll take better care of
it.
Ask
your local SPCA if your child can volunteer for a weekend or two.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Ask
them how they think they’d feel if someone treated them the same way.
Let them know what could happen to the animal, if they kept subjecting it to
cruel treatment.
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “Brownie looks scared and sad after
being treated that way.” “Being rough with animals is cruel and is not
allowed in our family.”
Use
the when/then approach: “When you can treat your hamster more gently, then you
can have her back.”
Give
your child a choice: “Jane, you can either treat the dog more gently or
we’ll have to give her to Aunt Sally, who I know will treat her with more
respect.”
Ask
your children what they were feeling at the time and help them find alternative
ways of expressing that feeling.
Almost
everyone has annoying little habits, but when our children do, it drives us
nuts. So, we nag and nag and nag until the whole ordeal becomes a huge power
struggle that keeps the habit alive and kicking (or picking, as the case may
be). Some children develop these
habits because of stress, some develop them because they have a physical
condition like a tic disorder, and some develop them just because.
If
your children engage in a disgusting habit like nose-picking, remove them from
the group: “Other people don’t like to watch someone eating their boogers,
Adam. You’ll have to leave the room to spare them the anguish.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Never
chide or nag your children to get them to stop. Give choices instead: “Debbie,
it’s okay to pick your nose with a tissue as long as you do it in private.”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “Picking your toenails is a nasty
habit. We don’t allow that in public, much less at the table table.”
Use
questioning: “Frank, how do you think it makes others feel when they watch you
eat your boogers?”
Use
minimalist parent techniques: “Harry, nose.” Point to your nose and say your
child’s name: “Janie.”
Use
humor: “Spring cleaning, Thomas?” “Finding anything interesting?”
Ask
your children what motivates them to bite their nails, incessantly clear their
throat, and so on. Is it because they’re nervous? If so, maybe the source of
that nervousness is something you can help them with.
Arguing
inappropriately is often a way for children to test their limits or let off
steam. Some feel over-controlled and argue to rebel. Most are still
inexperienced in finding respectful ways to settle a conflict.
When
your children argue disrespectfully with you, ask them to leave the room. You
don’t need to be subjected to any unnecessary rudeness.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Give
choices or observations: “Brandon, it looks like you’re angry at me for
telling you to clean up your room. How do you think I should have handled it
instead?” “It makes me feel angry and frustrated when you talk to me that
way.” “Tom, you can either tell me why you’re so angry in a respectful
way, or you can leave the room and try again when you’ve had a chance to cool
off.”
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about arguing disrespectfully?” “Why do
you think we have that rule?” “How can you get your point across without
breaking that rule?” “What do you need to do to make amends?”
Use
humor to defuse the tension: Place a sign on your forehead that reads “Kick
me. If it’s good enough for our little Johnny, it’s good enough for you.”
First
of all, it’s not the grades that are important here. What is worrisome
is that it might be an indication that children have lost their enthusiasm for
learning and whatever effort this involves. Many things can cause our children
to have this problem: depression, procrastination, unappreciated learning styles
(a kinesthetic learner being taught purely by auditory instruction), the fear of
being branded a nerd, and the fear of failure.
Children
should never be disciplined for making bad grades unless their poor scholastic
performance is caused by bad choices: staying up and talking on the phone
instead of doing their homework, going to a party instead of studying, etc. If
this is the case, they shouldn’t be allowed to engage in any of these
distractions until their homework is completed.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Give
choices: “James, if you finish your math in time, you might have time to go to
the movies with Billy.”
Give
impartial descriptions and information: “I see you’re watching TV instead of
working on your book report. I’m wondering what will happen if you don’t
turn it in on time.”
Use
minimalist parent techniques: “Bobby…science project!”
Use
humor: Attach a sign on their school books: “Lonely and ignored by current
owner. Please play with me.”
Use
questioning: “Tommy, is that term paper due this week?”” “What do you
need to do to avoid running into problems with this assignment?”
Know
what kind of learners (visual, multi-sensory, auditory, kinesthetic, etc.) your
children are. Help them “learn how to learn” in their own style and give
suggestions to their teacher along these same lines.
Teach
your children how to handle defeat early on. Give them small feats that won’t
be totally devastating for them if they fail. Point out whatever they do well in
that accomplishment, no matter how small or trivial it seems.
Let
your children know that you love them regardless of the grades they make. Teach
them that the knowledge and skills they attain and their continued love of
learning are the only things that really matter in the end.
Let’s
face it. Our younger kids can always find something more important to do
than bathing, at least from their perspective.
Let
your children know that bathing is not a choice. But deciding if Daddy or Mommy
shampoos their hair, choosing whether story time or bath time comes first and so
on are choices they can make. If they still pitch a fit when bath time
comes around, they should lose their right to make those small but important
choices. Furthermore, they’ll lose their bedtime story since they decided to
fill that time with their whining, begging, and other measures of resistance.
If
they refuse to take a bath, they won’t be allowed to subject the public to
their negligent hygiene practices. This means not going over to Trent’s house
to play, not going to the movies, not joining you on your errands, and so on.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Give
choices: “Do you want to brush your teeth or bathe first?” “When you’ve
cleaned up, then you can go with me to the grocery store.”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “Dirty children aren’t allowed in
the grocery store.” “We believe in cleanliness in our family.”
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about bathing?” “What would be the
consequences if you never took a bath?”
Use
the minimalist parent approach: “Howie…bath time now!”
Use
humor: Pretend you don’t see your child and say to your parenting cohort in
crime: “Have you seen Larry? I can’t find him. All I see is a wiggling lump
of coal in the middle of his room.”
Most
children resist going to bed because they don’t want to miss any of the action
happening with the rest of the family. Sometimes, they enjoy waging a great big
power struggle, because that means they get more of your attention.
If
your children don’t finish their “pre-bedtime” routine in time, like
brushing their teeth, taking their bath, and putting on their pajamas—guess
what! There won’t be enough time for a bedtime story. (Be sure to always find
enough time to tuck them in and kiss them, though.)
If
your children get to bed late, they’ll be tired, and next day and you can
capitalize on their sleep deprivation by creating logical consequences. “Jane,
you look exhausted after not getting enough sleep. I guess you won’t be able
to go to Mirel’s party today after all.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Give
choices: “Would you like to go to bed at 7:30 or 7:45 tonight?”
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about getting ready for bed?” “So, what
do you need to do now?”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “It’s important to get enough sleep
every night to feel good the next day.” “I guess we won’t be able to go to
the park tomorrow, since you won’t have had enough sleep tonight.”
Use
humor: “The sleep fairy is twitching. She has a nervous breakdown when kids
don’t go to bed on time.”
Never
fall for the “one more glass of water” routine. My five-year-old used to
come up with all sorts of excuses: “I have one more question.” “I need to
go pee-pee.” “I need to go poo-poo.” “I’m thirsty.” “I forgot to
hug you.” “I forgot to give you a kiss.” If the original routine is
followed to the letter, everything else is just a stall tactic. Bedtime means
they must remain in their rooms until morning. Trust me, they won’t die of
thirst or hunger, and they won’t drown in a puddle of pee in their sleep.
Most
experts view bed-wetting as a sign of an immature neurological system or perhaps
a type of sleep disorder. Recent medical research, however, has found that many
children who wet the bed may have a deficiency during sleep of an important
hormone known as anti-diuretic hormone (ADH). ADH helps to concentrate urine
during sleep hours. Testing of many bed-wetting children has shown that these
children do not show the usual increase in ADH during sleep. Children with
enuresis, therefore, often produce more urine during the hours of sleep than
their bladders can hold. If they don’t wake up, the bladder releases the
urine, and the child wets the bed.
If
they’ve been dry all night for a long period of time and then begin to
wet their bed, you need to consult their physician, because this could be an
indication of a physical or emotional problem.
Give
your children the responsibility of removing the wet sheet from their beds,
washing the sheets, and replacing them with new ones. They might need some help
with this task, depending on their age, but even children as young as four or
five can manage the lion’s share of this task.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Again,
never ridicule or punish your children for bed-wetting. They simply can’t help
it, and you’re just asking for years of professional counseling bills for them
if you make it an issue of shame. Other than the logical consequences mentioned
above, there are no self-directed solutions to this problem. The condition is
largely physical and maturational. Internal dialogue is important only in their
handling bed-wetting without stigma rather than in stopping it altogether.
Some
kids know that if they beg long enough and in a voice that would make the cat
lose all of its fur, they’ll get their way.
It’s
important that you don’t take on the sense of urgency that your children
create when they beg. “Ho hum” should be your attitude here. Many
consequences will work well. For instance, if your children beg to go to the
park when you’ve already told them you have a meeting to attend, that’s it
for their park-going days for a week.
It
also helps to send them from the room you’re in. You don’t have to be
subjected to the irritation. They can be annoying in their own space.
If
you offer them some treat, and they beg for something better, the original offer
becomes null and void.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Unless
it’s obvious, give them an explanation for not acceding to their wishes. This
information is important for them to generate the necessary internal dialogue in
the future.
Using
questions can help them develop this internal dialogue: “What are the rules
about begging?” “Why do you think we have that rule?” “How can you
handle things differently next time?”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “Begging is the one sure way people
will not get what they want, in our family.”
Use
choices: “When you stop begging, then I can listen to whatever reasonable
grounds you think you may have for getting what you want.”
Use
humor: “Uh-oh! I think I hear the begging police” (make police care siren
sounds—don’t worry, it gets better with practice, then say the following in
a serious, authoritative voice): “Pull over lady. I have a report from
neighbors of a violation of the penal code 246.7 for incessant begging. Are you
aware of your rights?”
Some
children act up during their own birthday party, because they’re just so
overwhelmed with various emotions—excitement, anticipation, frustration,
disappointment, and so on. Children act up at other kids’ birthday parties
because they’re quite obviously not the center of attention.
If
your children can’t behave well at a birthday party, whether it’s for them
or for another child, take them away from the party. Take them home, if you have
to. Tell them you can’t allow them to spoil the day for everyone else.
If
your children don’t show thanks for a gift, even after a gentle reminder, that
gift should be immediately taken away and either returned or donated to a needy
and more appreciative child.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Before
your children go to another child’s party, discuss how they might feel about
someone else’s getting all of the attention.
Give
information like “The purpose of birthday parties is to show our friends and
families how glad we are to have had another great year together.” So, it’s
their responsibility to see that all of their guests have a good time.
Allow
your children help plan their own party. They feel empowered when you give
choices: “Do you want a chocolate or vanilla birthday cake?” If they’re a
guest, help them find some way to contribute to make the party more fun for the
guest of honor. For instance, maybe they can make up a special party game.
Instead
of gifts from the guests, ask them to bring a used or new book to donate to the
school library, or something similar. Your children should be the ones to decide
what sorts of items to donate, and they should be the lucky devils who
get to hand over the presents in person. When they do, they will feel so proud
that their altruism will become addictive. Afterwards, ask them questions:
“How did it make you feel to give those books to the library?” “How do you
think Mrs. Godfrey, the librarian, felt about your generosity?” Add impartial
descriptions like “Those books will make a big difference in your school
library. I’ll bet lots of kids will enjoy checking them out year after
year.”
Most
children don’t want to appear inadequate in front of other people. And they
certainly don’t want to be ridiculed, criticized, or punished for their
mistakes.
First
of all, never set your children up to lie. More about that later under
“Lying.” If
you
suspect them of doing something wrong, have them correct it or make amends in
some way. For instance, if you find your garage walls covered with Tempera
paint, hand each of your children a bucket of water and a scrub brush and tell
them, “It’s all yours.” Even if the innocents have to use a little elbow
grease, they’ll have bigger biceps to show for it. In other words, “it
ain’t gonna hurt ‘em!”
Have
your children take care of the feelings of those they unfairly blamed for their
own mistakes.
Solutions
toward self-direction
If
your children don’t accept the blame for a mistake they’ve made, tell them
flat out that you weren’t born yesterday. This candor stalls any attempts for
them to create rationalizations that, in turn, could progress to self-deception.
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “We believe in being accountable for
our actions in our family.” “I remember you promised Josh you’d take over
his paper route this week.”
Provide
choices: “When you can accept responsibility for your actions, then you will
be given the privileges that go along with a higher level of maturity.”
Help
your children develop the inner dialogue they need to avoid blame-shifting.
Questioning
is perfect for this: “Didn’t you promise Josh you’d take over his paper
route this week?” “What do you think is motivating you to blame him for not
getting it done today?” “How do you feel when someone falsely accuses
you?” “What can you do to make things right?”
Let
your children know that it’s okay to make mistakes, but once they do, they
should focus immediately on a solution rather than find someone else to take the
rap.
Admit
your own mistakes and shortcomings freely to your children. You can’t possibly
raise them to be accountable for their actions when you aren’t accountable for
your own. And doing so will help them feel more at-ease in dealing with their
own mistakes through internal dialogue.
Point
out those times when your children do show a sense of accountability:
“Mary, I bet you’re so proud that you recognized your mistake and found a
way to make it all better. I don’t know many grown-ups that could do that!”
(Sadly, this is true.)
Give
your children age-appropriate tasks for which they can be responsible. If they
fail at the task, point out everything they did well, in spite of the end
result, guide them in correcting their mistake, and encourage them to keep
trying. Children who learn to recover from defeat are generally highly
accountable individuals.
Body
image is so important today. And children will do nearly anything to
distinguish themselves from the crowd through their outward appearance. It’s
as if they’re wearing a flashing neon sign around their necks that’s saying,
“Notice me, dammit! I’m special!” Unfortunately, half of their peers are
wearing that same darn sign.
Of
course, there are cultural issues involved. And there’s the matter of personal
taste. But if you’re the least bit skittish about your children making
permanent alterations in their external appearance, here are some suggestions:
If
your children follow the stipulations and limits you set forth, regretting their
decision will be consequence enough. Read on.
Solutions
toward self-direction
I’m
a firm believer in self-expression, but when the consequences of their
self-expression are permanent, children should be allowed to act only after
certain conditions have been met. For example, impose an age limit of fifteen
years. You can veto alterations to certain parts of their bodies, like nipple
studs (ouch!). To ensure they have the opportunity to feel the consequences of
their decision, require them to go through a dress rehearsal. If it’s a tattoo
they want, they need to wear a temporary henna tattoo first. If it’s an extra
piercing on their earlobe, have them wear magnetic studs for a few months first.
If they still want to go through with it after this waiting period, let ‘em go
for it! (But make them foot the bill!)
Explain
the risks of these procedures. For instance, tongue piercing can cause a serious
infection, but it can also alter dentition. The constant pushing of the stud
against the back of the front teeth pushes them forward. Might get mistaken for
Mister Ed or Trigger if they’re not careful.
Model
to your children the importance of embellishing what’s inside.
Questioning works well here: “How important is a person’s exterior
appearance nowadays?” “Do you think this emphasis is good or bad?” “Do
you sometimes feel pressured by this trend?”
If
you can think of any trends that were popular in your day and old-fashioned now,
point them out. And if you have any tattoos or body piercings, let your
children know how you feel about making a decision with lasting consequences.
“I was really excited about getting a tattoo when I was your age, but now,
I’d give anything to take it off. I’ve outgrown it years ago and am totally
sick of it.”
Children
today seem to expect every single second of their lives to be filled with the
most stimulating entertainment possible. After all, there are lots of options!
Couple this glut of options with the fact that most parents think their number
one job is to make their children happy, and the result is the never-ending
struggle to spare our children inevitable moments of boredom.
Let
your children either learn to make the most out of their quiet moments or fill
them with their own ideas for entertainment. Never try to save them from
frustration by fixing their boredom for them. This is not your job. But teaching
them how to handle that frustration is.
Solutions
toward self-direction
When
your children come up to you and whine, “I’m bored. There’s nothing to
do,” use questioning like, “What are you going to do to solve that
problem?” Better yet, tell them it’s good to be “bored” on occasion,
because it gives them time to recoup, reflect, and exercise that rusty inner
thinking mechanism between their two ears. They can think of it as a “Richard
Simmons Aerobics Hour” for their inner voice.
Try
to convey a sense of empathy, “I know how you feel. I feel bored from time to
time too.” (Would I give anything to remember what that feels
like again!)
Buy
only toys that stimulate their creativity and call for active participation, not
ones that passively entertain kids into zomboid states. Also limit your
children’s exposure to other passive forms of entertainment like computer and
video games and television. Toys should be designed to help them develop
internal dialogue rather than external reactions.
Children
get busy and forget. Some just don’t think about the effect they have on
others. Some don’t care. Some lose or break whatever they borrowed and hope
that if enough time goes by, the object will be forgotten.
If
your children break or lose an item they borrowed, help them find ways to make
amends, like earning money to pay for a new one or coughing up whatever it takes
to repair the damages.
If
your children forget to return something they borrowed, they certainly
shouldn’t be allowed to borrow that item again for awhile. Maybe they could
make amends by letting the loaner borrow whatever he or she wishes in return.
They could even be required to pay a small interest fee in either money or
deeds.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Have
clear family rules and boundaries on this subject. First, there should be no
“borrowing” without asking. Second, while objects are under their care, the
borrower is responsible for whatever happens to the items borrowed, regardless
of any “extenuating circumstances” (translation: lame excuses). Third, a
mutual agreement should be made on when the borrowed item should be returned.
Use
questioning: “What are our rules for borrowing?” “What do you need to do
to make things all right between you and your sister?” “How does it make you
feel when someone borrows your stuff without your permission?”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “I see you borrowed Tommy’s bike
without his knowledge. I bet he’d be pretty upset if he found out.”
Never
get involved with borrowing incidents involving your children and their friends
or siblings. Let them find ways to work out any conflicts on their own. If they
never get their item back, they learn not to lend anything to that person in the
future and the other person learns that to be trusted, you have to be
trustworthy.
Children
brag to try to convince other people that they’re better than they really think
they are. Somehow, their self-esteem has taken a beating in the past, and
they’re struggling to repair it.
When
your children brag, they’ll get whatever consequences they deserve from those
who have to put up with it. Tell them how most people might react, though, so
that they’ll have something to think about when their friends roll up their
eyes and walk away.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Teach
your children to find ways to appreciate who they are and discover their own
inner sense of worth. Eventually, these thoughts may become incorporated into
their internal dialogue.
Ask
your children questions to stimulate their internal dialogue: “How do you feel
when someone else brags? Don’t you find it annoying?”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “Johnny seemed to wrinkle up his nose
when you were talking about all the karate awards you won. It may have made him
angry.” “In our family, we try to make our friends feel good about
themselves, instead of trying to prove that we’re better.”
Role-play
bragging scenarios with your children, first with you, then with them, playing
the braggart. Again, this will help them develop internal dialogue about
bragging.
Why
they try to get out of doing it
Hey,
they’ve got better things to do, what can I say?
Do
you really think washing up before dinner or brushing their hair gets their
adrenaline going? Does clipping their nails make their spines tingle? I
seriously doubt it. If so, you probably have a very boring family.
If
your children don’t comb their hair or bathe regularly, they’ll find out
about it from their friends, eventually. Let them know how you feel about
the way they look and smell, but never nag them.
No
one comes to the dinner table without washing hands first. No cleany, no eaty.
As for dental hygiene, it’s not that easy. If they won’t brush their teeth
on their own, brush for them. If they’re seventeen years old, they might
squirm at the idea of you brushing their teeth while their blind date waits at
the door.
Uncut
nails will become annoying and deadly, unwashed hands will stink and gross them
out when they pick their noses, and their clothes will walk out the front door
on their own if they don’t do their laundry. In other words, personal hygiene
habits usually have a built-in consequence system that works pretty well.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Teach
your children why hand washing and teeth brushing are so important. Bring
up some disgusting pinworm story or the specter of dental implants—if you’re
desperate.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “It’s already 7:00, and you
haven’t brushed your teeth, yet.”
Use
choices: “If you’ve finished washing your hands, then you can come to the
table to eat.”
Use
humor: Put a sign near the toothbrushes that reads something like “Wanted, new
home for neglected toothbrush.” Look in their mouths and feign dismay, saying
that the little sugar bugs are excavating a vacant lot on one of their molars so
they can put up a new shopping mall there.
If
your children don’t brush their hair in the morning and look like a cross
between Don King and a Pekinese, who cares? Sure, they might get a barrage of
nasty critiques from their peers, but we hope that they’ll make their
decisions based on their own opinions. If it becomes important enough,
they’ll start combing, trust me. If they just forget to “do their do” but
hate looking like a bed-head every morning, help them remember in a
nonjudgmental way: “Lukas, you’ve gotten ready for school so quickly.
Let’s see. You’re dressed, you’ve eaten, you’ve brushed your teeth, and
you have your lunch made. All you need is to comb that hair of yours a little,
and you’re off!”
Some
bullies feel so powerless and unaccepted that they must grab onto whatever power
they can by controlling, intimidating, and threatening. Many of these children
feel they have no meaningful niche among their peers. Still others have not been
raised with limits or been given consequences for their aggressive actions.
If
your children bully other children, they shouldn’t be allowed to play with
others until they’re prepared to make better choices. When you separate them
from the rest of their group, let them know your reasons. Any bullying should be
followed by having them make amends with their “victims.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Teach
your children how to resolve conflicts without aggression. For instance,
role-play situations where first you and then they play the bully. Also try
role-playing different scenarios involving friend-to-friend interactions. This
process might include asking to share a toy, accepting “no” for an answer,
or sharing a bench at the school lunch table.
Help
your children discover ways that they can have a meaningful role within their
group of friends or among family members. For instance, you can take your child
and a few of his best friends to the movies. Tell him, in front of the others,
that since there are so many children for you to take care of in a busy public
place, his job is to make sure everyone treats each other nicely. His other
friends can have assignments, too, like keeping everyone together in one place,
making sure they’re quiet during the show,
or writing down the concession stand orders.
Questioning
can work well, too: “Do you think bullies earn more or less respect from their
friends?” “What do you think motivates someone to bully someone else?”
“How do you think most bullies feel about themselves?” (These questions
should be asked during clam moments rather than when the child is bullying
someone to avoid making the interrogation seem like a personal attack.)
Offer
your child choices: “When you learn to stop bullying Jimmy, then you can have
him over again.”
Some
children may need social skills training by professionals in a group setting
with peers who have similar problems.
If
your children are subjected to bullying by another child, let them handle it on
their own, unless there are any physical threats involved.
From
their standpoint, it’s torture sitting in one place for an eternity. Our
children are used to wide open spaces where noise travels unobstructed and the
distance between siblings is under their full control.
Never
start the car until everyone is buckled up. If someone unbuckles, pull over,
safety permitting, and wait patiently until they belt up again.
If
the noise or bickering level gets way out of hand, let your children know that
driving with those kinds of distractions is dangerous. Then pull over when
it’s safe and convenient, and silently wait for everyone to settle down. Your
children need to work things out between themselves, without any intervention on
your part. If they don’t pull their act together in a reasonable time, hi ho,
hi ho, it’s off to home they go!
Reverse
time-outs work pretty well, too. If my children are going bananas in the car, I
pull over, get out of the car, and wait quietly for them to settle down. They
do, too, and quickly. When I look through the car window at them, I have to
suppress my urge to throw back my head and laugh at their “Mom has really lost
it this time” look.
Anyone
who fights over or races to get the best seat has the last choice.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about car behavior?” “Why do you think we
have those rules?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “It’s dangerous to argue while
someone is trying to pay attention to their driving.” “Arguing about who
gets to sit where is not allowed in our family.”
Offer
them choices: “When you stop fighting in the car, then we can go to the
restaurant.”
For
repeat offenders, I set up a mock outing. Without tipping them off to my
ulterior and highly sneaky purpose, I’ll tell them to pile in the car for a
trip to someplace fun to which I couldn’t care less about going. Seaworld, for
example. Then I let them know that if they can’t behave in the car, I’ll
turn around and go home, no matter what. The trip should be a little bit long,
so they’ll be some time between that warning and your destination. And if they
mess up, as they’re bound to do, stick to your guns and go back home. Say as
little as possible, despite their ranting, raving, crying, and pleading. If they
do behave, point this out and ask them if the car trip was more pleasant
when everyone behaved civilly. Repeating this “mock run” from time to time
will keep the car monsters at bay.
Children
cheat to gain acceptance from their friends, teachers, and parents. Society
places so much importance on winning and getting good grades that there’s a
lot of pressure to do whatever needs to be done.
If
your children are caught cheating, they can do one or all of the following:
·
Restudy
the material until it’s mastered. No play or leisure time until then.
· Apologize to the teacher.
·
Accept a failing grade,
even if they’re the ones supplying the answers to someone else.
·
Require
them to be heavily monitored while taking tests, until the teacher and you feel
comfortable that they won’t cheat.
·
Make
them drop all extracurricular activities (football, karate, pep rallies, parties
and so on) until they show mastery of the subject without cheating.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Raise
your children to understand that the grades are not the real goal. The knowledge
attained and the perpetual thirst for learning are. Eventually, they’ll
internalize this concept as their own belief, which will then be fodder for
internal dialogue concerning the subject.
Use
questioning: “Why do you think some kids cheat?” “What do you think this
accomplishes for them?”
Teach
your children about the benefits of upholding their integrity through honesty
and about how integrity is all tied into their overall happiness.
Children
cling because they’re trying to seek undue attention, or to manipulate, or
because they’re genuinely fearful. It’s natural for younger children to go
through clingy phases, especially when they’re learning some new and scary
skill, experiencing stress at school, or feeling sick.
If
your children cling to you for undue attention or for other manipulative
reasons, simply insist that they give you your space: “Caroline, I’m reading
the paper now. You can sit in my lap when I’m finished.” Don’t make a big
deal about it, because yelling and nagging may be just the attention they seek,
even though it’s negative. If they cling to your leg like a boat anchor,
firmly peel them off and say, “I need to have my body to myself right now. I
know you’ll be perfectly fine on your own.”
If
your children cling to you out of fear, insecurity, fatigue, or illness,
negative logical consequences aren’t appropriate. They need you!
Solutions
toward self-direction
Help
your children feel that their surroundings are safe. Don’t scare them with
statements like “Never wander away from me, again! I was so scared! Someone
could have taken you away from me forever!” This fear only provides them with
a reason to be externally directed.
Convey
that you have faith in your children to handle themselves independently.
Give
your children ample opportunity to accomplish various feats of independence
early on, like making their own lunches or learning how to ride a bike.
Try
not to do what they can manage for themselves. I’ve seen mothers feeding their
eight- or nine-year-olds their cereal, for God’s sake! As if mothers don’t
have anything better to do with their time? They can come over to my house.
I’ll find plenty of ways to keep them busy!
Make
observations when they act independently: “You tied your shoes all by yourself
today, Ricky!” “Did you make your own breakfast just now, Brianna?”
Use
questioning: “What is it that frightens you?” “What do you think might
happen if you do that by yourself?”
Many
children find strength within a group. The exclusionary tactics of cliques makes
kids feel superior to others, because it classifies those who aren’t
“members” as inadequate or undeserving. Having both a common enemy and the
same privileged status binds them all closer together.
If
you discover that your children are involved in cliques, they shouldn’t be
allowed to play with those friends until exclusionary measures are stopped. That
means no parties, sleepovers, play dates, and so on.
Have
your children and their friends come up with ways to maintain the group
cohesiveness without excluding others. If they wish, help mediate and give
suggestions.
Require
them to make amends with whoever had their feelings hurt by the clique’s
exclusionary tactics.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Role-play
scenarios where your children play the child who is being ostracized.
Use
questioning: “How would you feel if a clique excluded you from play?”
“Can you think of a way you can maintain your friendships with these kids
without hurting other people’s feelings?”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “I see Tommy really got upset when you
and your friends told him he couldn’t play hide-and-seek with you guys.”
“We don’t allow cliques in our family.”
Use
choices, too: “When you and Sarah can be friends without excluding others,
then you can get together again.”
Put
your children in charge of transforming the clique into an open group:
“Johnny, you’re such a good leader. Can you help your friends find ways to
play without making anyone feel left out?” When he realizes the benefits of
disbanding a clique, he’ll incorporate the experience for use in any future
internal dialogue.
Children
commit crimes to satisfy their curiosity, to comply with peer pressure, to
finance a drug habit, to feel powerful, to gain attention, to vent feelings of
jealousy, or to get revenge.
Regardless
of the crime, your children should feel the full extent of the legal
consequences. Don’t buy them out of the sticky mess, argue with the
authorities, help them come up with excuses, or rescue them in any other way.
If
you discover that your children shoplifted, make them return the stolen goods in
person, accompanied by a sincere apology.
If
you find that something of yours has been stolen, don’t force a confession
from your children. Instead, tell them that you expect it to be replaced within
an hour or so, or the cost of the item will be divided among and docked from
each child’s allowance.
Have
your children repay their victims in some way. If they vandalized the corner
store, make them clean up the mess, pay the cost of repairs, and work weekends
there (without pay) for a certain period of time. Of course, apologies given in
person are always called for.
Make
your children responsible for the costs of all legal fees, tickets, and fines.
Hey, if they have to earn the money breaking up rocks in the backyard with an
ice pick, so be it!
Remove
anything used to commit the crime. If they got caught speeding or driving
drunk,
take away the car. If they shot someone’s window with a BB gun, confiscate the
gun.
Tighten
up the reins. Make their curfew much earlier, don’t allow them to leave your
sight without adult supervision, drive them to school and take them physically
to class, veto any associations with their current friends with whom they seem
to be making bad choices, and so on. Tell them the reins will be loosened when you
feel more comfortable that they’ll respect the welfare and property of others.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Use
questioning: “How do you think Mr. Parsons felt when you stole candy from his
store?” “Do you think taking things from others is a sign of strength or
weakness?” “What motivated you to do it?” “What do you plan to do to
make things all right?”
If
they have committed crimes in the past, have your children visit your local
jail, sit in one of the empty cells, wear a pair of handcuffs, and speak with
some of the police officers.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “The Miller family is law
abiding.” “We do not tolerate breaking the law, in our family.” “It
seems like getting caught for shoplifting really messed things up for you for
awhile. You seem very down since that happened.”
Children
complain to manipulate, to get attention, and to drive us bananas. Some complain
because they feel over-controlled and don’t think they have a voice in matters
that are important to them. Others complain because it works. They get their way
every time.
Once
your children complain inappropriately, like “I never get to go out with my
friends. You’re such a mean mother!” tell them they obviously don’t have
the maturity to voice their problems constructively and politely. In that case,
they’re too immature to go out alone with their friends.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Don’t
you gripe all of the time in front of your children, or speak
disrespectfully to them. Otherwise, they’ll internalize the assumption that
these are acceptable forms of behavior.
Raise
your children to understand that not everything works out as they expect. Teach
your children alternatives to complaining by rewording what they say:
Sally:
“It’s so boring in this family. I hate it!”
Mom:
“Mom, can you help me come up with some ways to spend my extra time?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “Complaining only irritates
people. It’s the last thing that’ll get you what you want.” “We don’t
allow complaining in our family.”
Offer
choices: “When you stop complaining, then I’ll be able to listen to what you
have to say.”
Teach
your children to focus on the solution, not the blame. Complaining often is
their way of placing blame elsewhere.
Use
humor: In your most official voice, say something like, “This is an
announcement of the National Complaint Broadcasting System. The Webb residence
has now been declared a gripe-free zone. All violators will be prosecuted to the
fullest extent of the law.”
Try
to get them to communicate more cooperatively by approaching them with
observations: “I notice you’re complaining a lot. If you want me to listen,
you’ll need to speak to me more constructively and with a positive
attitude.”
Role-play
situations where first you and then they play the complainer.
Children
cry inappropriately, because they want to get their way, they’re tired or
sick, they’re overwhelmed, they want our attention, they want revenge, they
feel helpless, or they don’t know a better alternative. Children also have
different personalities. Some are just more sensitive than others are.
If
your children cry without good reason, just tell them, “That is not a good
reason to cry. If you insist on doing it, leave my space, and go cry where you
won’t be bothering anyone.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Sometimes
it helps to acknowledge their feelings: “You seem so angry. It’s so hard
when your friends are mean. But I know you’re clever enough to figure out a
way to make everything okay.”
Teach
them ways to handle emotions like frustration without crying. Role-playing can
help out here.
Raise
your children to be independent by not doing everything for them, by not
rescuing them from every difficulty, by allowing them to do increasingly
difficult feats over time, and so on.
Never
feel sorry for them, show sympathy, or give in to their demands when their
crying is a manipulative ploy. Otherwise, they’ll cry in an effort to
manipulate external stimuli. This is an external directed tactic.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “You’re crying over not getting
your way again. It didn’t seem to do any good yesterday.”
Whether
the crying is appropriate or not, you can combine impartial descriptions with a
statement that you have faith in them to handle their own problems (and that
problem is not going to be more important to you than to them) by saying
something like “Hmm. Looks like you have a problem. What have you decided to
do about it?”
Some
children join cults to experiment with their own philosophies, to rebel against
conformity, or to take revenge on an over-controlling parent. Others seek
strength in numbers. And the identity that they can’t seem to find within
themselves is readily offered to them on a silver platter by certain groups.
Cults often use mind control and other methods of persuasion to lure new
members. Once initiated, children are given protection, a sense of belonging,
and something in which to believe.
If
your children become involved in a cult, yank them out of it, for goodness
sakes! Freedom of expression has its limits when there are safety concerns.
Anyway, cults usually impose the expression of beliefs on children by coercion.
Tighten
up the supervision. Make their curfew much earlier, don’t allow them to leave
your sight without adult supervision, drive them to school and take them
physically to class, veto any associations with their current friends, with whom
they seem to be making bad choices, and so on. Tell them that the reins will be
loosened when you feel more comfortable that they’ll make healthier
associations.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Let
your children know what you find so unique and special about them. Tell them
that you’re proud of them just the way they are and that you feel so fortunate
to be their parent. It’s important for them to incorporate these ideas to
reinforce their sense of self and to lend strength to that inner voice that
tells them they don’t need to search beyond their own skin to find what they
need.
Be
sure you’re not too controlling. Excessive controlling can make them
externally directed, which, in turn, makes them look to conformity with other
groups for a sense of belonging.
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “In our family, we don’t let groups
make us trade our individuality for religious philosophies.”
Use
questioning: “What’s the purpose behind this group?” “Tell me what you
find appealing in its philosophies.” “What motivated you to join?” “Were
you ever made to feel uncomfortable?” Often, their alliance is so paper-thin
that when you get them to think about the details, it all falls apart.
Work
with your children to build healthy peer associations, like joining the
neighborhood basketball team, taking up a new skill, or getting involved in
church youth organizations. Again, this involvement gives them the
self-confidence they need to rely on their own opinions of who they are rather
than or the opinions of others.
Children
break their curfew because they lose track of time, are naïve enough to think
they can get by with it, are having too much fun to call it quits, want to be
treated as if they’re older than they really are, or want to rebel against
being over-controlled.
No
matter what type of curfew your children break (using the telephone or returning
home), they should automatically have their curfew time shortened by an hour or
two for one week to one month, depending on how badly it has been broken. You
can bypass this consequence if there was a reasonable excuse or if it’s their
first offense.
For
repeat offenders, take away telephone privileges or ground them from leaving the
house at night, depending on what type of curfew was broken.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Don’t
impose overly strict curfews. A lot depends on how responsible your children
are, where they plan to go, how bad the crime is in your area, and so on.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “You’re using the telephone
past your curfew.”
Use
questioning: “Until what time are you allowed to use the telephone?” “Why
do you think we have that rule?” “What time is it now?”
Give
choices: “Lisa, you can abide by our phone curfew, or I can remove the phone
from your room.” “Bob, when you show more respect for our phone curfew, you
can get your phone privileges back.”
Use humor: Stick a picture of a
phone in the throes of exhaustion (tongue hanging out and all) on their phone
when curfew time approaches.
Some
children use profanity because they’ve heard it from others or because they
want to appear tough and grown up. Some use it to express anger or to enlist our
help.
If
your children swear, ask them to leave the room and return only when they can
use words that are acceptable. If your children are young and don’t understand
the meaning behind the words, tell them, “We don’t use those kinds of words
in our family.”
Your
children should be required to make amends with whoever was subjected to their
foul mouth.
Solutions
toward self-direction
When
your children utter curse words, never show surprise. That might be just the
external reaction they’re looking for. If you slip up and curse, apologize to
them.
Offer
choices: “When you can use appropriate language, then you can go back outside
and play with your friends.”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “I notice you’re cursing more
since you’ve made friends with Richard.” “Cursing is a disrespectful way
of treating others.”
Acknowledge
your children’s feelings if anger or frustration motivates them to curse: “I
know how angry you must be that your team lost the game, but I’d like you to
express your feelings without using foul language.” Help your children come up
with alternative words. Role-play this whenever they’re in a situation that
incited them to curse.
Ask
your children if they understand the meaning behind the foul language. Discuss
how specific words can affect others, especially words with sexual or racial
overtones. They need this information to formulate the most effective internal
dialogue in making decisions regarding their language.
Although
all children occasionally forget or get distracted, many dawdle or procrastinate
to get attention, to shun failure, to avoid making choices, to gain control back
from over-controlling parents, or to get revenge. It’s a passive-aggressive
tactic that allows them to get away with their bad choices in an underhanded
way.
Let
your children suffer the natural consequences that are sure to bite them in the
behind when they procrastinate. Don’t bail them out of the “incomplete”
they get on their school assignments. Don’t drive them to school when they
miss the bus.
If
their dawdling inconveniences you, have them pay you back in time. “You
didn’t take the garbage out in time, so I had to rush out with it when I heard
the garbage truck in front of the house. That took fifteen minutes of my time.
You owe me fifteen minutes of hard labor.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Show
complete disinterest in their many excuses for falling behind or failing to
finish something. Delegating such problems to others allows your children to
wash their hands of it and, therefore, avoid contemplating the task internally,
Follow
up on the requests you make to your children. For instance, suppose you ask them
ten times to carry out the trash, which is met with “Later, Dad” each time.
Then, you forget all about it, and Mom winds up hauling it out instead. You’ve
just proved to them that procrastination is an effective way to get what they
want!
Use
impartial descriptions: “You haven’t completed your book report, and it’s
due tomorrow. I’m sure Mrs. Withers gives zeroes for incomplete work.”
Give
choices: “When you’ve done your homework, then you can go outside and
play.”
Use
questioning, “What makes it so hard for you to get your work done?” “Do
you have a hard time beginning the work or finishing it?”
Children
defy us because they have their own minds (gosh darn, don’t you just hate
that?). They want to test their limits and power. Some defy us to counter attack
being over-controlled or over-protected, to take revenge, or to avoid doing
something unpleasant. Some defy us because they feel unfairly treated. And some
defy us because they’ve been raised in a permissive environment and can get
away with murder!
Anything
other than logical consequences will often make defiant children worse, because
they see punishment as a green light to retaliate with even more
defiance.
Here’s an appropriate logical
consequence for a defiant child: If Billy refuses to hold your hand when you
cross the street, say,
“I’m not going to be able to take you to the store with me right now,
because you’re choosing to be unsafe. Maybe we can try again later.” If Jane
refuses to get into the car when the family’s going out for pizza, say,
“Okay, since you’ve chosen not to come with us, I’ll take you to Ms.
Harris’ next door. She can sit with you until we get back.” Remember to use
your most convincing “ho hum” attitude so your children know that you
don’t intend to take on their problems.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Pick
your battles. Don’t say “no” to their every request just to “be in
charge.” Saying “no” to every request will just turn you into an external
influence your children feel compelled to rebel against.
Don’t
over-protect your children. This also incites externally directed rebellion
among the natives.
Always
speak respectfully to your children, and try not to have the last word all the
time. Again, you’re just setting yourself up as an external influence . . . an
emotional punching bag for your children.
Create
meaningful discipline. Never use physical punishment. Invite cooperation.
For instance, if your children usually refuse to do their chores, ask them to
supervise their younger siblings with their chores while they do their
own. Give them the feeling that you sincerely need their help. Even the general
statement: “I’m having a hard time and would really appreciate it if you’d
help me out by cooperating” works well. It gives them a sense of power. If
children feel they are needed—that they truly have a way to contribute to the
pack—they will be cooperative.
Give
your defiant children choices: “Do you want to come here now and unload the
dishwasher, or would you like to do it after you eat breakfast?” This also
gives them the power they seek.
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “You are treating me badly. It
doesn’t make me feel like being around you.”
Try
not to tell your children what to do. Instead of saying, “Do your homework
right now,” say something like, “What are you suppose to do now that
you’ve finished your afternoon snack?”
Let
them be leaders whenever possible: “Tommy, can you be in charge of deciding
where we go out for dinner tonight?” “John, can you help your brother with
this difficult math problem?”
Children
make demands because, in the case of permissive parenting, it gets them what
they want, and in the case of over-controlling parenting, it’s their way of
expressing rebellion and anger. Sometimes children make demands because they
lack the skills necessary to satisfy those demands themselves. And some children
just have bad manners.
We’ll
address five types of demands: demanding undue attention, demanding service,
demanding immediate gratification, demanding indulgence (designer fashions,
etc.), and demanding things (toys, candy, etc.).
If
your children demand undue attention, be sure that’s exactly what they won’t
get. Let their request for unreasonable attention be their problem at all
times. If you need to close yourself up in another room or take a walk outside,
so be it.
Just
don’t do it unless they ask nicely and can’t take care of their request
themselves. Of course it’s okay to do things for them, even when they’re able
to do it on their own, because that’s just one way of showing them that we
love them. But everything in moderation, folks. So when Johnny says, “Get me
some cereal, now,” reply, “I like helping you best when I feel eager to, and
when you make demands like that, I don’t exactly feel like bending over
backward for you.”
Demanding
immediate gratification
If
your children demand something right away, that should be immediate grounds for
their not getting what they want. Let them know that if they had made
their request politely and reasonably, their chances would have been a heck of a
lot better.
If
your children have a problem with immediate gratification with their personal
purchases, impose a two-week minimum between their having a desire and
satisfying it.
If
your children demand the best, don’t give it to them, for goodness sakes!
Teach children the art and beauty of simplicity, and the value of money. Kids
need to learn that they won’t get everything they want in life.
If
your children get the gimmes, take them away from the source of temptation. If
you’re at the toy store, toss ‘em in the car and go home. If you’re in the
grocery store, out they go. If they make demands, ensure that they won’t get
what they want.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Foster
independence by giving children tasks that require a higher and higher skill
level as they get older. Don’t do everything for them.
Use
questioning: “How do you think I feel when you want me to pay attention to you
constantly?” “What can you do to take care of your own needs now?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “You seem to be wanting your
brother to play with you all the time. He’s getting frustrated, because he has
things he needs to do on his own.”
Use
humor: Grab your throat, gasp for air, and make horrible gurgling sounds.
Between your gasps, tell them there’s a huge squid covering your face (them)
sucking the life out of you.
Encourage
them to take care of their request themselves. “The milk fairy is off today.
See what you can do to help yourself out,” or “You’re such a big boy, I
bet you can figure out a way to pour your own milk.”
Train
your children in skills that are age-appropriate. If you do things for
them all the time, they’ll never learn to do them on their own. Guide them to
meet their own demands by using questions:
Tom:
“I want a glass of milk!”
Dad:
“What do you need to do to get it?”
Tom:
“But there’s no more clean glasses!”
Dad:
“What can you do with the dirty glass?”
Tom:
“I can wash it, I guess.”
Dad:
“Great! Do you want me to help you get the milk out of the fridge, since
it’s so heavy?”
Try
using impartial descriptions and giving information: “We ask for things
politely in our family.” “You aren’t asking for your request; you’re
demanding it.”
Use
humor: Play the part of an exhausted servant, repeatedly uttering something like
“Yes, sir, anything else, sir?” between gasps of air.
Demanding
immediate gratification
If
your children demand immediate gratification, teach them patience. Walk through
the reasoning process with them. “Why do you want that stereo so badly?”
“What if you find something else you want, and you’ve spent all of your
money?” If they make the purchase, ask them later if they have any regrets, if
they still enjoy it as much as they did at first, etc.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “You just bought those roller
skates last week, and you haven’t touched them for days.” “When we wait a
couple of weeks before purchasing anything expensive, sometimes we wind up
realizing it isn’t what we wanted.”
Let
your children know that your job is to clothe them, not to decorate them. If
they want designer fashions, they’ll have to cough up the difference.
Try
questioning: “Is there a lot of pressure to have designer clothes, nowadays?
Is that really a good thing?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “There are lots of less expensive
bikes that look really cool, and that extra dough could go to some other
purchase later.”
Teach
them early on to be responsible and practical with money. I like the idea of
giving teenagers a monthly allowance out of which comes everything but room and
board.
Haircuts,
clothing, fast food meals, school supplies, gas, car insurance, movie tickets,
etc.—all come out of their pocket. Trust me, they’ll think twice about
buying $120 tennis shoes.
Before
you go anywhere that might tempt your children to come down with a severe case
of the gimmes, lay down some rules in advance: “We’re going to the toy store
to buy a birthday present for your friend. If you ask me for a toy, we’ll have
to go home right away. Otherwise, we can spend a little extra time looking.”
For
them to stop making demands, you must stop giving in to them. Your
giving, giving, giving is a dangerous external influence.
Use
questioning: “How would you feel if someone always asked you to buy things for
them?”
Give
choices: “When you stop having the gimmes, then you can come shopping with me
again.” “If you refuse to stop begging for candy, then I will have to take
you right home.”
Try
humor: “The magic genie no longer lives here. Your requests cannot be
filled.”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “You always ask for candy in the
checkout lane, despite the fact that I never give in.” “We don’t allow the
gimmes in our family.” “Begging for things is rude and annoying.”
Children who go out of their way
to destroy the property of others do so when they feel powerless, angry, or
vengeful.
Children
should be required to restore to its original condition any property they destroy.
This means using a scrub brush to clean the graffiti on the wall, earning the
money to buy a new vase to replace the one they knocked over with their ball,
and so on. Encourage your children to apologize for their actions.
So
Try
to understand your children’s feelings: “You’re so angry with your sister.
I feel like that sometimes. But use your words instead of breaking the heads off
of her Barbie dolls, next time.”
Teach
your children better ways to express anger. Relaxation techniques like
meditation might help. You can also role-play situations that would typically
ruffle their feathers.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “You broke my tape recorder. That
upsets me. I’ve had it for a long time.” “Breaking other people’s things
makes them very angry.”
Use
questioning, “What made you want to break Sally’s CD player?” “How would
you feel if someone broke yours?”
Offer
choices: “If you insist on coloring on our new furniture, then I can’t allow
you to play with your crayons.”
Children
show disrespect because they want to test their limits and explore the extent of
their power over us. Some show disreaspect because we model disrespect in our
own behavior. Some use it as a way to rebel against over-controlling parents.
And some do so because we’ve let them get away with it in the past.
When
your children talk back, act disrespectfully, or show any other form of rudeness
in their behavior, don’t let them get by with it. Say something like, “I
will not listen to your inconsiderate words. You’ll have to leave the room and
come back when you can behave nicely.”
Have
them make amends for their rude behavior.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Reword
their disrespectful statements as in this example:
Richard:
“I hate it when you don’t let me play outside late.”
Mom:
“I can’t play out late, Mom? Okay, thanks anyway.”
Try
using impartial descriptions and giving information: “I noticed you didn’t
answer Mrs. Hardin when she asked how you were doing. She seemed offended by
your lack of respect.”
Offer
choices: “You can either show respect to Tommy’s parents, or not be allowed
to play there anymore.” “When you learn to show respect to the librarian,
Mrs. Godfrey, then you can return to the library.”
Some
children use choosing their clothes as an excuse to create a power struggle.
Some have problems with a heightened sense of touch. You know those little bumps
on the inside toe line of their socks? They feel like Mount Everest to these
kids. And their clothing is either too tight around the waist or too baggy. So
they wear the one article of clothing they do like over and over, day
after day.
Some
wear crazy clothing combinations because they just haven’t developed fashion
sense. Other kids wear zany getups because they have their own unique fashion
sense that no one else in the entire world seems to have.
If
your children have dressing fits in the morning, don’t make it your problem.
Let
children wear anything they want as long as it’s clean and appropriate to the
weather. If they refuse, tell them something like “Well, Harry, I guess you
don’t want to go out after all. It’s unsanitary to wear something filthy, so
you’ll just have to stay home until you’re ready to put on something that
doesn’t stand up on its own.”
If
your children choose an article of clothing at the store but then, two months
later, say they’ll never wear it because they hate it, have them pay for the
original cost out of their own pocket.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Help
your children develop their own fashion sense by looking through magazines
together, modeling different styles in your own clothing, pointing out the
creative combinations others wear, and so on.
Never
make fun of their clothing choices. It’s all a matter of opinion, and they
certainly don’t need their own fashion taste belittled such that they no
longer trust in themselves. If their peers mock them for those choices,
empathize with them, but remind them how important individuality is. What
other’s think about our external appearance should not shape our ideas a out
fashion.
Appreciate
and respect your children’s desire to be creative in the way that they dress.
Don’t make them change just because you’re afraid other people might think
you’ve got terrible fashion sense or are a bad parent.
Try
giving your children choices, if they have trouble deciding what to wear. “Do
you want to wear your pink culottes or your blue jumper today?”
Don’t
nag your children to get dressed in the morning. They have to learn to develop
their own “internal nagging mechanism.” If they’re late for school,
because they couldn’t get dressed in time, that’s something they’ll have
to reckon with.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “I see you’re not dressed yet.
I wonder if you’ll have time to eat breakfast before the bus comes.”
“Wearing filthy clothes is unsanitary.” “That shirt you’ve had on for
the last week is starting to develop a personality. Have you picked out any
names for it yet?”
Involve
your children in the decision-making when you buy them new clothes. Have them
try each article of clothing on to be sure they approve of the way it feels and
looks on their bodies, not just on the hanger.
Let’s
consider four categories: anorexia/bulimia, over-eating, craving sweets, and
being picky. Recent scientific evidence implicates genetic factors as one
possible determinant in eating disorders. But many children become anorexic or
bulimic in satisfying the world’s standard of beauty, as a form of
self-loathing, or as a way to get attention. Children over-eat to satisfy
feelings of sadness, frustration, or boredom. Children drive us nuts over
sweets, because they know we use sweets as control tactics (not to mention the
fact that those Twinkies taste so darn good!).
Children can be picky eaters, because they can rope us in with their
fussiness.
If
your child suffers from anorexia or bulimia, take her to a professional who
specializes in this disorder. If your child is an over-eater, limit the foods
you keep in your house to highly nutritious ones. Monitor what he or she packs
for lunch. Forbid sodas and sweets until a more healthful weight is reached.
Logical
consequences won’t work for children that go ga ga over sweets. Removing its
power to control is the way to go. See below.
If
your child is a habitually picky eater, so what! His body is much smarter than we
are and will tell him when to shovel it in. Never make it an issue. But by the
same token, if he doesn’t eat whatever’s on his plate, he can forget about
dessert. His next chance to eat will come with the family’s next meal.
Solutions
toward self-direction
De-emphasize
the importance of body image, and don’t model this obsession in your own
behavior.
Never
use food to control, or it will become a strong external influence for your
children. This approach means not withholding treats and sweets as a punishment
and not using them as rewards or bribes. In the case of the sweet tooth, the
best approach is to never start giving them sweets at all. If you’re like me
and the horse is already out of the barn, you can try a little trick that worked
great for our family. I filled up one of my kitchen drawers with loads of candy
and told my kids that they could dig in as much as they wanted as long as it was
at least two hours before the next meal. When they’d come home from school,
they’d be foaming at the mouth like rabid bats, clawing through the candy
drawer and stuffing their faces almost before they could take the wrappers off.
That lasted two weeks. Now that they know that their candy consumption is not a
focus of my control, they couldn’t care less. They go for more nutritious food
items, instead.
Teach
your over-eater how to deal with emotions in ways other than eating. See if you
can help them recognize the triggers that motivate them to dig into the
Haagen-Dazs.
Get
your picky eaters involved in the family’s meal planning. Invite them to help
cook and decorate the table, too. Even a three-year-old can contribute in some
way.
Children
love moving their bodies. After all, they haven’t had them very long
and aren’t bored yet with the “let’s see what this does” concept.
Many
children are “kinesthetic” by nature. That means those little cogwheels in
their heads turn better when they move their bodies. For instance, two of my
children always had to twirl around in circles as I called out their spelling
words. I’d have to take a Dramamine every Thursday.
So
let ‘em fidget, already. What harm can it do? This is a perfect example of the
“pick your battles” philosophy. If you find it distracting, either stop what
you’re doing and watch them (it’s highly entertaining, actually) or
encourage them to go elsewhere.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Let
your children know that there’s a time and place for even the best of things,
and teach them to be aware of places where their excessive movements might
disturb others.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “Fidgeting is all right only if
it doesn’t bother others.” “Your fidgeting seems to be distracting those
people at the next table.”
Tell
the sibling who isn’t fidgeting something like, “Sally, you’re sitting so
quietly here in the restaurant. I know the couple in the next booth must
appreciate that.” Then, watch the others straighten up like magic. And remark
on those rare times that your fidgeter does sit quietly: “Timmy, you’re
sitting so nicely at the table. It seems like we’ve been able to have nicer
talks together when you behave this way.”
Children
just have other things on their minds, sometimes. Not only that, if we do too
much for them, they won’t learn to handle responsibilities requiring
them to remember things. And hey, everyone forgets.
If
forgetting is a habit, let your children face the repercussions. For instance,
if they forget to take their lunch to school more than two-three times during
any given school year, stop
bailing
them out. Call the school office to request they don’t lend your children any
lunch money; you want them to experience a few hunger pangs. Their hunger pangs
will help them remember next time.
Solutions
toward self-direction
It’s
all right to show them empathy, “Gosh, I’m sorry to hear you forgot your
homework. I used to get so frustrated with myself whenever that happened to
me.”
Don’t
let your children use the ol’ “I forgot” line as a way of getting out of
things they don’t like to do. This avoidance is just a rationalization ploy
that then breeds self-deception.
Use
humor: Go up to your kid and, without saying a word, tie little strings on all
his or her fingers.
Use
questioning: “What can you do to help yourself remember your homework
assignments?” “What happens when you forget to turn in one of them?”
“How do you feel when this happens?”
Use
impartial descriptions: “You don’t seem to have any strategies to remember
your babysitting commitments. Perhaps I can help you come up with some that
worked for me.”
Use
choices: “You can try to come up with ways to organize yourself so that you
don’t forget your girl scout meetings, or you need to quit altogether.”
Some
friend hassles include fights, getting into mischief with friends, experiencing
peer
pressure, associating with the wrong crowd, and finding abusive friends. Kids
get into these kinds of trouble because people are different. They have
different beliefs and opinions, and when they’re young, they tend to want
others to go along with everything they say and believe. So friends fight. And
because there’s strength and pressure in numbers, friends tend to get each
other into mischief. It takes children years of practice to figure out what type
of friend they’ll mesh well with from the standpoint of likes, dislikes,
personalities, communication styles, and plain old chemistry.
If
your children have the usual conflict with their friends, stay out of it.
Don’t come to their rescue. The spats themselves serve as a natural
consequence.
If
your children get into mischief with a certain friend or group, forbid the
association for awhile. Say something like “I can’t let you hang out with
Bobby until I feel sure that you’re going to learn how to make better choices
when you’re with him.”
If
your children buckle under the stress of peer pressure, let them feel whatever
natural consequences are sure to arise, and forbid the association for awhile.
For instance, if they buy liquor with a fake ID, have them return it to the
owner of the store with an apology. Never blame the peer group, though. Tell
them they made bad choices in the presence of those friends, not because
of them.
If
your children pick friends that are mean, controlling, or abusive, let them
handle it on their own rather than rescuing them. If their association causes
more serious problems like engaging your children in activities that are
illegal, immoral, or dangerous, intercede by forbidding the relationship. Who
knows? Your children might even thank you for it.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Show
empathy with statements like “I know how much you value your friendship with
Katie. It must have hurt your feelings when she teased you like that.” Share
your own friendship horror stories so that they know they’re not alone.
Role-play
scenarios involving peer pressure, arguments, ostracism, etc.
Verbalize
how you work out any conflicts that might come up from time to time with your
own friends.
Never
criticize your children’s choice in friends. If a friend is not right for
them, they’ll figure it out soon enough. Never interfere when a friend comes
over to play but leaves out your child’s other siblings. Again, have faith
that they can all work it out on their own.
Teach
them the finer arts of being a good friend, traits like taking care of their
feelings and being loyal. This knowledge is important for the development of the
internal dialogue necessary to make the right choices.
Never
force your children to make up with their friends. If they ask for your help in
mediating conflict resolution, that’s fine.
Offer
choices: “You can make good choices with Sally now, or choose to play with her
when you can.” “If you can’t keep from breaking the rules when you’re
around Sam and Mike, then you’ll have to find some friends around whom you can
make better decisions.”
Try
using impartial descriptions and giving information: “We value friendships in
our family.” “We should all learn to value our own opinions and ideas even
above those of our friends.” “I see you and Josh are not getting along
lately. You’re resourceful; I know you’ll find a way to make things right
again.”
Use
questioning: “Why are you and Sarah not getting along?” “Can you think of
any way that you could have handled your part in the problem differently?”
“What do you plan to do about it?” In the case of peer pressure and
mischief: “What are the rules about destroying other people’s property?”
“What made you feel you had to do what your friends told you to do?” “What
do you think they would’ve said if you refused?”
Some
children join gangs to rebel against conformity, to gain a feeling of power, to
take revenge on an over-controlling parent, or to seek the sense of belonging
they don’t get at home. They seek strength in numbers bound together against a
common enemy.
If
your children become involved in a gang, forbid that involvement, for goodness
sakes!
The
logical consequences for gang-involvement mirror those for cults. See
“Cults” in this section.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Gang
and cult involvement call for the same solutions. See “Cults” for details.
Have
your ex-gang member give talks to local middle schools and high schools. They
can also sign up for community service to fix some of the gang related damages
that have occurred in the neighborhood, like graffiti or
broken windows.
The
grass is always greener in their parents’ and siblings’ rooms.
Teach
your children that others’ personal property needs to be respected. If
children break this rule, they should be made to compensate their “victims”
in some way. If one of my children breaks my lipstick, we take their allowance
and go to the store to buy a replacement. (Actually, all of my lipsticks are
beheaded, now. It must be a hard lesson to learn.)
If they mess with a sibling’s possession without permission, they pay
something in return for the unauthorized “rental.” Personal apologies are
always warranted, too.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Use
questioning: “Why did you find it necessary to go through your sister’s
diary?” “How do you think she feels about it right now?” “How would you
feel if someone pried into your personal possessions?” “What do you intend
to do to make things all right between you?”
Respect
your children’s private property, too. Don’t get into their stuff
without permission.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “Getting into other people’s
things makes them angry.” “It’s difficult to trust someone who gets into
personal property without permission.” “I noticed you got into my bath salts
without asking me. I’m going to find it hard to trust you for awhile. What are
you going to do to earn back my trust?”
Try
giving them choices: “If you continue to get into my makeup drawer, then
I’ll have to place a lock on that drawer at your expense.”
Use
humor: “Put a sign on their door that reads something like, “Come one, come
all. Fire sale. All items must go. First come, first served.”
Teenagers,
in particular, think that they’re more grown up than their parents think they
are, and they feel as if they have to lie to be able to expand their
responsibilities and privileges into the uncharted territory. Sometimes, though,
they’re just up to no good.
If
your children go somewhere other than the place they told you they’d be, they
shouldn’t be allowed to go anywhere at all for awhile until you feel they’ve
regained your trust.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Never
punish your children when they tell the truth, because then they learn that the
truth can be painful and must be avoided at all costs. Makes for some mighty
sneaky kids. Don’t be too controlling. Kids need to have the freedom to mess
up and be less than perfect if they are to become willing to own up to their
mistakes, both internally and externally.
Use
questioning: “Is there anything I’m doing that makes it difficult for you to
come clean about where you’ll be?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “I found out you went to the ice
cream store at midnight instead of staying at Josh’s house like you promised.
It’s dangerous in that area late at night. You and Josh could have gotten
hurt.” “Lying makes it hard for people to trust you.” “Telling the truth
not only takes courage, but it gives you a sense of freedom and relief.”
Offer
choices: “When you show me that I can trust you, then you can have some of
your social privileges back.”
Children
don’t want anyone to think they’re “babies.” Wearing makeup, having a
love interest, dressing seductively, and so on elevate their status in the eyes
of their peers.
Create
ground rules for what dress and behavior are appropriate for each age. Once you
do, stick to it. No dating until they’re fifteen, no makeup until they’re
thirteen, etc.
If
your children break these rules, take the forbidden makeup away if they use it.
If they have a boyfriend or girlfriend when they’re too young, make their
curfew earlier, suspend them from parties for awhile, remove their phone
privileges, and so on.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Tell
your children it’s okay to be a child. I let my kids know that children have
wonderful qualities that I’d love to see in more adults, like expressiveness,
openness, and optimism.
Don’t
push it! Those kids will grow up soon enough. I see parents encouraging their
fourth graders to have girl/boy dance parties. What are they thinking? And
seemingly innocent comments like “You look so grown up in that dress, Sally”
make growing up ahead of schedule something your children think they should do
to win your approval.
Let
your children know that the message to be sexually appealing before their ready
for sex is flawed. Tell them that the overemphasis on sex in our culture is not
about love, but about power, image, and domination.
Examine
your rules. Are you being too strict with your limits? If my husband had his
way, he’d forbid our daughters to date until they’re thirty-five years old.
Remember, rules have to make sense if our children are going to internalize and
comply with them.
Talk
to your children openly about sexuality. You want your children to feel
completely free to talk about this subject. You might need to explain the sexual
rationale behind certain types of makeup and clothing. Once an eleven-year-old
understands the origins behind the use of blush, she’d probably think it’s
pretty gross and drop it like a hot potato.
If
your rule is no premarital sex, don’t then condone sexual irresponsibility by
buying them condoms or putting them on the birth control pill “just in case”
when they’re fifteen. If it’s not allowed, it’s not allowed.
Talk
about your own misadventures in trying to grow up too soon, including any
regrets. Children can learn a lot from the experiences of others without
reinventing the wheel.
Use
questioning: “What do you think wearing lipstick without permission does to
the trust between us?” “Is there anything I’m doing that makes it
difficult for you to talk to me about the rules we have about these things?”
“What do you plan to do to help me regain my trust in you?”
Use
choices: If there are friends that continually coax them into doing things that
are beyond their level of maturity, forbid the association. “If you can’t
make better choices when you’re around Lisa, then I can’t let you hang out
with her anymore.”
Children
put on the helpless act because they want our attention, they want to control or
manipulate us, they want revenge, they want to get out of doing something they
don’t want to do, or they truly need our help.
If
your children can really manage the skill, don’t get sucked into their
problem. Just say something like “I see you’re having trouble. You’re a
clever boy though, so I bet you’ll come up with a solution in no time.”
Let
your children experience the consequence: If they’re too “helpless” to
pack a school lunch, they go to school without it. If they’re too
“helpless” to go upstairs and find their sweater, they go to school as a
human Popsicle. If they’re too “helpless” to put on their shoes, say
something like “We can go to the park once your shoes are on. How much time
are you going to need? If it’s going to be longer than five minutes, I can
pour myself another cup of coffee.” Ho hum.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Never
ridicule or punish your children for acting helpless. Doing so will make them
focus
on external factors for their choices.
If
they genuinely need your help, don’t let them whine those infamous four words
“I can’t do it.” Have them say something like “I need some help,
please.” This way, they reflect internally on what they can do right, not what
they can’t do at all. So they focus on their partial independence rather than
their complete dependence. Then, see if you can get them to do at least those
parts of the task they can manage.
Foster
independence in your children by letting them accomplish small feats early on.
Don’t do things for them that they can learn to do on their own.
Give
them choices: “When you’ve found your jacket, then you can go outside and
play in the snow.” “If you finish cleaning up that mess, you’ll have more
time to play at Sally’s house.”
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about buckling your seatbelt?” “You were
able to manage yesterday, what’s different today?”
Use
humor: When they act helpless, hand them a pair of crutches or a stack of
bandages. Pick them up and carry them around, everywhere. As they giggle, tell
them you feel sorry for helpless little jellyfish and can’t help but come to
their rescue. (Then insist they try the task again, of course.)
Children
hate spending seven hours in school only to come home and face book reports,
math problems, and geography projects. And the effect these homework hassles
have on their parents becomes e-ticket entertainment that allows them to put off
the drudgery. Some kids thrive on the negative attention. Occasionally, though,
children wage homework wars because they’re struggling in school.
The
worst you can do is plead, beg, nag, yell, and punish your children. If, by some
unexplained miracle, such tactics work, it’s because they don’t want to be
punished anymore, not because they want to fulfill their responsibility. Just
keep that “ho hum” attitude alive and kicking, and let logical consequences
take over, as in this example:
Johnny:
“Mom, I hate homework! I’m not going to do it.” (His ruse for trying to
get you to help.)
Mom:
“I’m sorry you feel that way. If there’s something you don’t understand,
let me know if I can help. Otherwise, you’ll just have to take your problem up
with Ms. Wadsworth in the morning.”
Johnny:
“Oh fine, I’ll do it! But I don’t understand this one long division
problem. Can you show me how to start it?”
The same thing goes for when they
forget to bring home the things that they need to do their homework, when they
fail to complete and assignment, and so on. Don’t bail them out!
Solutions
toward self-direction
Give
them choices: “When you’ve finished your homework, then you and Billy can go
outside and play.” “If you finish your homework by 5:00, you’ll have time
to watch your favorite show before dinner.”
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about finishing homework by five?” “Why
are you watching TV instead?” “What do you need to do now to comply with
that rule?”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “I see it’s 4:30 and you haven’t
started your homework. It needs to be completed before supper.” Or if they do
their homework hassle-free, say something like “I see you’re finished with
your homework already. That gives you more time to play before dinner!”
Use
humor: Act the part of a ruthless torturer, shine a bright light in their faces,
and say something like, “Vee have vays of making you do your homeverk!”
Children
fake illness to get attention and to get out of things they don’t enjoy,
especially schoolwork.
If
you’re certain your child is faking illness to get out of something, say
something like, “You’re perfectly fine, Lukas. Get dressed and eat before
you miss the bus. It’s a pretty hot day for walking to school.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Never
reward your children when they are sick by buying them gifts or overdoing
the kissie, huggie thing and so on. This doting makes them internalize the idea
that illness equals love and affection, and it teaches them a manipulative
tactic. External direction at its best (or worst).
Find
out what your children are trying to avoid. For example, if they’re having a
hard time with one of their school subjects, discuss this difficulty with their
teacher and set aside some extra time to help them master it. If there’s a
social problem like a bully who’s teasing them, help them find ways to form a
truce or resolve the conflict in some other way. Role-play the situation with
them until they feel confident that they can work things out on their own.
Questioning
also works: “You don’t seem sick enough to skip school. Is there something
you’re trying to avoid? What will happen if you keep avoiding it—will the
problem eventually go away?” “What can happen if you continue to miss school
this often?”
Children
interrupt because they haven’t learned to be patient, they want to get our
attention, they feel their importance is threatened when we focus on someone
else, and, let’s face it, we often let them get away with it.
If
your children interrupt, tell them to leave the room until you’re finished
talking. Take them out bodily if you must, and then lock the door until you’re
finished with your conversation.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Let
them know in advance when you have an important phone call, and ask them what
they plan to do to keep themselves busy during that time. This preparation helps
them internally reflect upon how to control their urgus interruptus reflex.
Role-play
interrupting with your children. Ask them to talk about their day, and while
they do so, talk to them about yours. It’ll drive them crazy. Follow up by
asking them whether they found it difficult to concentrate on what they were
saying while you were talking.
Give
them choices: “When I’ve finished with this conversation, I will be able to
give you my full attention.”
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about interrupting?” “How do you think
that makes me feel?” “How do you think the person I’m talking with
feels?”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “Interrupting is rude. It’s
difficult to talk and listen at the same time.” If they don’t interrupt,
say, “You didn’t interrupt me this time when I was talking on the phone, so
I was able to wrap things up quickly. Now we have time to have that picnic in
the park!”
By
the time our children are eighteen months old, they start scoping out the
relationships we have with other people. At twenty-four months, they get wise to
the idea that these distractions might put limits on our availability. They
think that there’s only so much of us that can go around. Flashing red lights.
Alarms. Whistles. Panic. And every time someone new enters that equation,
they have to scramble to find a new role or niche.
It’s
one thing to feel jealous but another to act on it. If they hit, yell, or
torture those they’re jealous of, make them leave the room—or at least
separate them from the other child.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Give
children appropriate roles and contributions within the family so they feel that
they belong. If a new sibling is involved, find a role that takes the older
child’s seniority into account. Don’t compare your children to their
siblings or peers, or they’ll react to others as external influences through
resentment and jealousy.
Teach
them strategies to help dispel their feelings of
jealousy. My favorite is to have them visualize the person they’re jealous of
as a newborn baby or an extremely old person. They can also try to find
something good about that person.
Discuss
those times you’ve had feelings of jealousy and how you chose to handle them.
Find
ways to gain cooperation between your children and those of whom they’re
jealous. For instance, have them put up the Halloween decorations together,
letting the one
who’s
jealous have a supervising role of some sort.
Teach
your children that we all have strengths and weaknesses. It’s okay for Mary to
be better at math and our child to be better at reading. Instead of being
jealous of Mary’s math prowess, encourage your child to help Mary with her
reading and, in return, seek Mary’s help in math.
Role-play
situations that you know make your children jealous. The point of the exercise
should be to learn that it’s okay to feel jealous but not okay to act those
feelings out in a hurtful way.
Give
choices: “You can either behave nicely with Bobby, or we can have him go home
and come back to play another day.” Try questioning: “Why do you feel so
jealous of David?” “Does acting on your jealousy make things better or
worse?” “What kind of things can you think about that will help you handle
your feeling of jealousy?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “Everyone has unique strengths.
It’s impossible to compare two people based on one particular strongpoint.”
“Jealousy can destroy friendships.” “I noticed you felt envious of
Mary’s new party dress. Since she’s your friend, maybe it would help you to
think about how much joy she gets out of wearing it. I know you like your
friends to be happy.”
Children
are lazy because they want to engage us in a power struggle, they want
attention, they want to avoid something, or they’re used to having everything
done for them.
Let
your children experience the natural consequences of laziness. If they don’t
do their
laundry, they’re stuck wearing stinky, dirty clothes in which they won’t be
allowed out of the house. If they don’t clean their rooms, they’ll have a
hard time finding their belongings.
If
your children balk at helping out in cooperative tasks, like cleaning up the
dinner dishes, make them do the entire chore by themselves.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Give
your children plenty of age-appropriate responsibilities early on. Don’t take
over a job that your children are too lazy to do. Make them finish it before
they’re allowed to do anything else. Show them how to make even the most
tedious chores fun.
Let
them know that the family genuinely needs their contribution to the household
chores. “I need you to set the table so we can eat. I’m busy making the
gravy, so that would really help me out.” Afterward, tell them how much you
appreciate their effort.
Provide
information: “Working hard can make a person feel satisfied and valuable.”
“Not contributing to the daily family work responsibilities can make people
feel unproductive and can make those around them resentful.”
Make
observations when they’ve done something they didn’t want to do: “Look at
that, you’ve mowed the lawn so well! I don’t see any missed spots!”
Children
lose things because they’ve got the attention spans of pygmy gnats. They leave
their backpacks on the bus while they’re talking to Josh about Karate class.
They lose their library book, because the last place they read it was on the
swing set in the backyard three very rainy days ago. And anyway, we all lose
things on occasion.
If
your children lose things all the time, the natural consequences will kick in as
long as we don’t jump to their rescue. If they lose one of their belongings,
they have three choices: they can find it, buy a new one, or do without it. If
they lose someone else’s possessions, they also have three choices: they can
find it, buy a new one, or get slam-dunked by a very angry ex-owner.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Show
empathy: “I know how you feel. I lost my purse once, and it was so frustrating
to go through the hassle of replacing all of my credit cards and my driver’s
license.”
Use
questioning: “Why do you think you frequently misplace things?” “Could
there be some system you can use to keep that from happening so much?” “How
does losing things make you feel?”
Choices
work well when they lose possessions belonging to others: “When you are better
about not losing things, then I’ll let you borrow my books.”
Use
impartial descriptions and information: “You seem to lose things a lot. If you
wish, I can share some of the tricks I use to help me remember where I put
things.” “There are lots of techniques you can use to keep from losing
things.”
It’s
okay to help them look for whatever they lost, as long as you never make finding
it more urgent to you than to them.
Children
lie to escape reprimand, disapproval, rejection, ridicule, and shame. Some feel
trapped or threatened, some don’t want to disappoint other people with their
bad choices, and some don’t want to hurt the feelings of people they care
about.
If
your children are obviously telling a lie, let them know that you’re not
falling for it. Say something like “I don’t buy that story. Take care of
your problem right away.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Never
put your children in the position where they feel they have no other choice but
to lie. For instance, if you find your two children near a wall freshly
decorated with crayon scribbling, don’t ask, “Who’s responsible for
this?” I mean, do you really expect one of them to eagerly jump forward to
fess up? I don’t think so! So, just make both of them take care
of it by saying, “I want you both to take a bucket of water and a sponge and
clean this up right away.” By going about it in this way, you teach them to
focus on the solution rather than on the blame. If the “innocent” ones
protest, tell them they should have helped the other one stay out of trouble.
Children need to learn to be responsible for taking care of others instead of
having that “look out for number one” attitude that’s so tragically
commonplace today.
Use
“I notice” statements instead of “Did you” statements. The latter just
serves to catch them in a lie, especially if you already know the answer. So
instead of asking, “Have you taken the trash out?” say, “I notice the
trash hasn’t been taken out. That needs to be done right away.”
Show
appreciation when they tell you the truth.
Use
questioning: “Why do you think people lie?” “What can the consequences be
for lying?” “What is the worst that can happen if you tell the truth?”
“How do you feel when someone you trusted lies to you?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “Lying makes it hard to trust
you.” “You aren’t being honest with me. Let me give you a few minutes to
think it through, and we’ll talk about this again, honestly.” “I don’t
believe in punishing someone for being truthful.”
Make
truthfulness part of the family identity: “We believe in telling the truth in
our family.”
Children
learn to manipulate when we give in to their demands—whether it’s
capitalizing on the parent/parent disagreements, “sucking up,” whining,
begging, or quivering their lower lip. Some use manipulation to seek revenge,
and others will manipulate us when their requests are consistently denied for no
good reason.
Assure
them that whatever they were trying to accomplish with such manipulative tactics
isn’t gonna happen—because of those tactics.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Never
give in to the demands of a manipulator.
Check
your parenting style. Are you saying “no” just to dominate, control, or
exercise your authority? If so, you’re inviting external direction and
manipulation.
Reword
your children’s manipulative statements using more direct language. When they
say, “Tommy’s mom is so nice. She gave him a brand new skateboard! Boy is he
ever lucky,” you can say, “Mom, can you buy me a new skateboard?” Let them
know that it’s okay to be direct and that the worse that can happen is
you’ll say “no,” whereas manipulative ploys will definitely mean their
wants won’t be fulfilled.
Use
questioning: “What is it that you’re really trying to say?”
Give
information: “Being straightforward takes courage, and it helps people trust
us.” “Deception creates a lack of trust.”
Use
impartial descriptions: “You’re not being direct with me. I like it when we
can be open with one another.”
Try
offering choices: “Either be open and honest with me, or talk to me when you
can.”
Show
your children that you’re more willing to help them realize their goals when
they ask for what they want in a sincere fashion.
If
your children ask you for something that the other parent has already vetoed,
say something like “That’s between your father and you. Leave me out of
it.” If, say, you tell your children to brush their teeth, and they come back
with “Daddy says I never have to brush my teeth on Saturdays,” tell them
“I’m in charge right now, not your father.” When you do have disagreements
about child-rearing issues, don’t argue about them in front of your children
or sabotage the other parent’s authority in any way. Children can easily adapt
to different parenting styles and philosophies. In fact, it’s healthy for them
to come to the realization that people in the world do have different
opinions about things, and that’s okay.
Children
show a lack of common courtesy because some are never taught manners, some are
exposed to discourteous role models, and some just plain forget.
If
your children don’t say “please,” then don’t do as they ask. If they
forget to say “thank you,” then take whatever they should have been thankful
for away from them until they do so. If they show bad table manners, have them
leave the table until they can behave civilly.
If
they show a blatant and purposeful lack of manners, ask them to leave the room
until they can be more courteous.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Prepare
a list of manners you want your children to adopt, and post it in an accessible
place. Make sure they know why each one is important.
If
they forget to say, “please” or “thank you,” then model it out loud for
them, “Thank you, for helping me with my homework, Dad.” Keep repeating it
until they say it, too.
Include
good manners as a part of your family’s identity.
Try
using humor: If you have a rude pack of animals to deal with, try using your
worst manners and see how this affects them. Slurp your soup, interrupt, reach
over them to get the bowl of peas, eat with your fingers, and yes, you can even
sneeze on their food and pick your nose. Desperate times call for desperate
measures.
Use
questioning, impartial descriptions, and information: “I notice you forgot to
acknowledge Mr. Thomas when he spoke to you. Manners are an important way of
showing respect. How do you think he felt?” “How do you think you’d feel
if someone I was speaking with didn’t bother to introduce himself to you?”
See “Demanding” (things,
indulgence, and immediate gratification)
Many
children use mealtime as their main battleground for power struggles. It’s
often hard for them to behave when they’re forced to sit still for an hour and
fraternize with the enemy (their siblings) or keep from clowning around with
their buddies (their siblings)
If
your children are often late for dinner, let them miss it. If this habit is
deeply ingrained, set them up to miss out on their favorite meals.
If
your children play with their food, remove it and say, “Food is something we
eat, not play with. When you’re ready to eat properly, you may have it
back.”
When
your children are noisy or rowdy at the table, you can remove them to another
room to eat, and tell them they can return when they are ready to behave
appropriately, or you can take your own plate and eat elsewhere. Either is
effective, because children don’t like it when the pack is separated.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Offer
choices: “If you can’t behave properly at the table, then you’ll have to
eat in your room.”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “Rowdiness is not allowed while
we eat.” “You’re talking very loudly and haven’t touched anything on
your plate.” “Dinner is finished in ten minutes.” (If they’re cutting up
and are famished, they’ll straighten up and eat quietly, especially if
they’ve witnessed their full plates dragged out from under them before.)
Use
humor: Quietly leave the table with your plate and eat elsewhere, or come back
to the table wearing noise protection. You can also try sitting at the table
with something noisy—your old saxophone, a drum set, pots and pans to clang
together. They get the message when they’re covering their ears.
Use
questioning: “Do you think it’s pleasant to watch people play with their
spaghetti?” “What are the rules about being loud or rowdy at the table.”
Never
get sucked into your children’s power struggles. Kids who learn to manipulate
others learn to manipulate themselves (self-deceit).
Some
children are messy by nature, especially if they’re active and curious,
because these types of kids like to jump quickly from one activity to another.
And let’s face it, most of the time they feel like they have something better
to do than to clean up after themselves. Occasionally, its rebellion against
over-controlling or compulsively clean parents. Sometimes, they just have sloppy
role models.
If
it involves any place other than their own room, your children shouldn’t be
allowed to start their next play project before they’ve picked up after their
last one.
If
my children don’t clean up, I grab a big trash bag, pick up the toys and hide
them in the attic for a few weeks. If they ask their whereabouts, I’ll say,
“Oh yeah, I remember seeing your train set the other day, and I nearly hurt
myself tripping over it. I know I put it in a safer place. Hmm, let’s see now.
Where did I end up putting that dang thing? Oh well, give me some time, and
I’ll remember it eventually.”
If
messiness is a big problem, maybe they just have too much stuff. Have
them give some of their toys to the needy.
If
your children’s rooms look like the aftermath of an earthquake registering 9.6
on the Richter Scale, close the door. If they can’t find their belongings,
tough luck. If they don’t have any clean clothes to wear to school, too bad.
If they break their toys when they step on them, ho hum.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Never
nag, plead, beg, threaten, or bribe your children to clean up their messes. They
need to develop their own internal nagging system. Never clean up their messes
for them!
Use
questioning: “What system can you come up with to get your surroundings in
order?”
Try
humor: Tape a sign on their door that reads “Condemned” or
“Quarantined.” Tell them the demolition crew is here to finish the job for
them.
Use
impartial descriptions: “Your room is messy. It must be really hard to find
the things you need.”
Give
information: “Dirty clothes have never been known to walk on their own from
the floor to the hamper.”
Offer
them choices: “When your toys are cleaned up, then you can go on errands with
me.” “If your clothes aren’t in the hamper by the time I start the wash,
they won’t get cleaned—by me, anyway.”
Make
observations when they do clean up, “Wow, you picked up all of your
toys already. That means you and Sarah have more time to play something else
before her mother comes to pick her up.”
Sometimes
those Monday mornings are just way too early. Like us, children have trouble
getting out of their warm and cozy beds to get ready for the day.
If
your children habitually oversleep and are old enough to manage an alarm clock,
let them be late for school. Arrange for their teachers to make an issue of it
when they finally do get there.
If
your children have trouble getting ready for school, either let them get to
school late or leave without them to take the other siblings or go to work. If
they’re late for the bus, make them walk to school or ride their bikes,
safety, age, and proximity permitting. If you can’t wait around for your kids
to get their act together, because doing so will make you late to work,
have them reimburse you for the extra time it takes you to drive them to school.
Solutions
toward self-direction
When
my kids turn off their annoying alarm clocks and roll over to go back to sleep,
I usually tell them, “It’s late, but that’s okay. I guess skipping
breakfast from time to time won’t kill anybody.”
Never
nag or yell. It just creates fodder for an externally directed power struggle
between you and your children.
Never
let on that their problems getting up and ready in the morning are more
important to you than to them. Let them know that it’s no skin off your back
if they go to school late, in their pajamas, starving, moss growing on their
teeth, and with hair making them look like the Wild Man from Borneo.
Use
observations when they do all of their morning routine in a timely manner: “I
see you’ve already eaten, gotten dressed, and brushed your teeth. Wow, now you
have an extra ten minutes to watch cartoons!” If they forgot one part of their
routine, you can say something like “Look at you, Annika. You’re dressed,
you made yourself a great breakfast, and you brushed your hair beautifully. Now
all that’s left is brushing your teeth!”
Give
information: “The bus comes in fifteen minutes.”
Use
impartial descriptions: “We leave in ten minutes, and you haven’t eaten
breakfast yet. I hope you have enough time. Lunch isn’t until 1:00.”
Use
questioning: It’s 7:15. What time does the bus come?” “What do you still
need to do to get ready for school?” “You’re running behind. If you two
keep fighting, what will happen?”
Some
children are just negative by nature. Some learn it from negative and cynical
role models. Some actually think their negativity makes them look tough or cool!
Some children act negatively because they’re stressed, sleep-deprived,
depressed, or under-confident. And some are negative, because they don’t feel
special within the family.
If
your children seem to habitually voice negativity and pessimism for no good
reason, tell them to leave the room and return only when they have something
positive and uplifting to say.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Tell
your children that you’re willing to hear their gripes, but you need to hear
the positive things going on in their lives from time to time, too. Teach them
that life doesn’t always deliver everything they expect, but how they handle
what life delivers can make all the difference in the world
Never
rush to fix the problems about which your children are negative, just in case
their dissenting remarks are ploys to get you to come to their rescue.
See
to it that all of your children have meaningful roles within the family. They
need a strong sense of self in order to have a positive outlook on life.
Ask
your children to experiment with the feelings an optimistic outlook creates by
going through the next couple of hours trying to see the good in people and in
situations around them. This strategy might be just what they need to get them
out of their pessimistic slump, and over time they may very well internalize
this attitude.
Never
nag your children to be more positive. It doesn’t work. Sometimes you just
need to leave them alone. Try choices: “When you feel like talking about
what’s bothering you, then I’ll be here to listen.”
Use
questioning: “You’re feeling pretty negative about things. What do you think
made you bring this attitude on?” (See how this question makes creating this
attitude her responsibility?) “How do you feel when you think this
way?” “How do you feel when you’re more positive?”
Since
children are learning new things, making new realizations about life, and
undertaking new skills, they tend to have anxieties that will be vented in their
dreams.
They
shouldn’t suffer any consequences, because this isn’t considered a
punishable “offense.”
Solutions
toward self-direction
Teach
your children strategies for breaking a recurrent nightmare. For instance, if
your children have one about a great white shark, have them close their eyes in
bed and make happy changes in their dream before they fall asleep. Maybe they
can pretend that the shark turns into a ballerina and starts to dance with them.
It’s important to have some component of the change include your children
interacting with the source of fear so that they can feel they have control over
it.
Acknowledge
the fears that arise from their bad dreams. And when they’re lucid enough,
discuss these dreams and any related issues that might be plaguing them in the
present. This discussion will help them develop the internal dialogue necessary
to tackle their fears in life.
Children
are expressive and uninhibited beings by nature, including how they express
themselves vocally.
If
your children are too noisy indoors, toss them outside. Tell them they can come
back in when they’re willing to use their “indoor voices.”
If
they turn up their stereo too high, make them turn it off. Tell them you’re
afraid they’ll damage their ears, and, since your job is to ensure their
safety and health, the stereo’s taboo until they’ve decided to listen at an
acceptable decibel range. If this approach doesn’t work, take their stereos
away from them for awhile.
If
your children are noisy in a public place, take them home.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Allow
for an acceptable amount of “happy noise” in your house. If you have kids,
don’t expect things to be so quiet that you can hear a pin drop, ‘cause it
ain’t gonna happen in this lifetime, folks. Don’t yell or scream when
they’re noisy. Smells like a fishy double standard to them.
Don’t
nag or punish your children for their noisiness, because this approach only
motivates them to turn it into a big (and usually noisy) externally directed
power struggle.
Use
observations when they’re being nice and quiet: “You guys are playing so
quietly together. That makes our whole house so calm and happy!”
Give
information and impartial descriptions: “We allow only indoor voices in the
house.” “Your noisiness is starting to hurt my ears. You will have to go
outside.”
Use
questioning: “How do you feel when someone’s being noisy while
you’re concentrating on something?” “What do you need to do now to make
things quieter?”
When
children can’t be aggressive with their siblings and friends overtly,
they’ll do so on the sly. The ultimate goal is to get the other kid to cry or
whine so much that they wind up getting into trouble, instead. Children
pester because they have a low self-esteem, don’t receive enough attention, or
don’t feel a sense of belonging.
Be
aware of the interactions your children have with others. If possible, let them
suffer the natural consequences that are sure to occur, like being alienated or
hollered at by that friend, having their behavior reciprocated, getting the
other child’s parents on their backs, and so on.
If
they pick on children who are too young to deliver these kinds of consequences,
separate them from those kids. If they can’t behave nicely with others,
they’ll have to be stuck with themselves as playmates.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Use
observations when they refrain from pestering under circumstances when they
ordinarily would have: “Henry, you kept your cool when your brother opened his
birthday presents. I know how hard it is to do sometimes. Now, he’s willing to
play with you, and you’re both having a great time!”
Give
information: “Pestering people makes them not want to have anything to do with
you.” “We treat others like we want to be treated in our family.”
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about shoving and poking other people?”
“How do you think that makes your sister feel? Do you think she’ll want to
play with you now?” “How does it make you feel when you’re treated
like that? What do you need to do to make her feel better?”
Give
choices: “Do you want to play nicely with Bradley or go up to your room and
play by yourself?”
All
children are eventually curious about sexuality and will end up satisfying this
curiosity if their parents don’t beat them to the punch.
Define
and enforce clear rules about what you consider appropriate ways for them to
learn about sexuality. If you find pornographic magazines, take them away, and
withhold their allowance until you feel comfortable that they won’t spend it
on things of this nature.
If
your children call those infamous 900 numbers that are for “mature audiences
only,” make them cough up the dough to pay the bill, and remove their phones
from their rooms.
If
you find out that your children are visiting pornographic web sites, take away
their computer privileges for a month. The same goes for those times when you
catch them communicating with strangers on the Internet. “Buddies online”
services that allow them to chat with their friends directly are much safer
options.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Address
your children’s questions about sexuality openly. If you’re too embarrassed,
trust me, someone else will do the job for you.
Don’t
wait until your children ask you about sex. When you think they’re ready to
understand such concepts, explain them in an age-appropriate way. You can buy
them books to help cover some of the subject, but this reading shouldn’t
completely replace your role as their teacher in such matters. I like the book
for adolescents by Dr. Ruth Westheimer entitled Dr. Ruth Talks to Kids.
It covers each subject candidly and appropriately without making sex out to be
some kinky or shameful act.
Never
make your children feel they should be ashamed of their own sexual curiosity by
scolding, shaming, ridiculing, or punishing them for sexual exploration (in both
their actions and their questions) that is normal and healthy for their age.
Use
the correct words for body parts. Using words like “weenie,” “boobs,” or
“balls” shows your children that you think sexual aspects of the body are
shameful, disgusting, or embarrassing.
Use questioning: “I notice
that, nowadays, sex is more about image and power than love. Do you think
that’s right? Do you sometimes feel social pressure in anything relating to
sex?” “Do you think you have all the answers you need, concerning sex? Are
there any questions you have about this subject?” “What are the consequences
of having sex before you’re ready?” “Do you know anyone at school who has
made mistakes where sex is concerned? What consequences have they had to
experience because of it?”
Use
impartial descriptions: “You seem very interested in boys now. Let’s share
what you and I know about sex. Maybe I can fill in some of the gaps.”
Children
make promises they don’t intend to keep in order to bribe and manipulate
others into doing whatever they want. Some simply change their minds. Others,
well, maybe they’re budding politicians.
It’s
your job to help your children uphold their integrity, and this character
development means making sure they keep their promises. Many deals will be
broken without you ever knowing it, but not to worry, those who your children
disappoint will take their revenge. The outside world is brutal that way. Their
friends will alienate them, they’ll have trouble gaining the trust of others,
and those they betray won’t have nearly as much regret when they compromise
their own integrity in the relationship. Reality bites.
Solutions
toward self-direction
If
extenuating circumstances cause you to break a promise or commitment with your
children, apologize and explain the situation in detail. Let them know that
keeping promises is important to you and that you, also, are disappointed at
having to go against your word.
Teach
your children how to get what they want (or at least try) without
resorting to manipulative tactics like breaking promises.
Make
keeping promises part of your family’s identity with statements like, “We
keep our word in this family.”
Use
questioning: “Why did you find it necessary to go against your word?” “How
do you think that makes Taylor feel about you? Do you think she’ll trust you
in the future?”
Use
impartial descriptions: “I thought you gave your sister that yo-yo. She seemed
very disappointed when you took it away from her.”
Notice
when they do keep their promises: “I see you stuck to your promise to
help Jimmy with his math after school. I know that’s tough since you have
football practice later. Jimmy must think it’s pretty cool to have a friend
like you to rely on.”
I
truly believe that children aren’t taught to respect public places.
Practically from the day they’re born, without teaching them the proper way to
behave in public, we start taking them to all sorts of joints. So they grow to
think the public is some faceless and over-tolerant being they can have their
way with as they please. I’m amazed at some of the behavior I see parents
allow in restaurants and grocery stores today. They plead and bribe their
children to act nicely, so that the kids’ anti-social actions are almost
rewarded, in a way.
If
your children act badly in a public place, hightail it home. If this public
misbehavior is a recurrent problem, set them up for a bigger fall. For instance,
tell them you’re all going to go to see that movie that they’ve been
drooling over for the last two weeks. The rules are, if they’re nice, they
stay; if they’re not, they go. And at the least hint of commotion, take them
home. NO SECOND CHANCES.
If
your children are responsible for any acts of vandalism, have them make or pay
for any repairs of the damage. If your children litter, have them pick it up
along with all of the litter nearby. If a fine is imposed, make them pay it.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Define
and explain clear rules and boundaries for public behavior for them to
incorporate into their internal dialogue.
Never
give in to your children when they’re making a scene in public. They’ll just
mark that in the “this trick works great” column.
Never
bribe your children. You want them to behave because it’s right, not
because it’ll get them something they want. This bribery only encourages them
to grow up feeling they’re entitled to everything.
Don’t
threaten your children with shame: “Those people are looking at you. How
embarrassing! I bet they think you’re a spoiled brat!” This shaming makes
children think that the opinions that others have of them are crucial to their
self-worth.
Don’t
use the ever-popular threat, “Do you want the man to come over here and
make you behave?” I bet my children grew up having horrible nightmares about
evil waiters and grocery store security guards. But this threat just sends the
message that you can’t handle their bad behavior and need to call upon a
higher authority. The faceless “man” becomes an external influence to which
they react blindly.
Use
questioning: “What’s the rule about behaving in public (or littering,
loitering, etc.)?” “How do you
think others feel about your actions?” “What do you intend to do to make
things right again?"
When
they do behave well in public, let them know you noticed. “Billy, you’re
acting so grown up here in the store. I really enjoy your company when you make
such good choices.”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “People can’t hear the movies
when there’s lots of noise in the theatre.” “This noise level seems to be
bothering that couple at the next table.” “We don’t allow this kind of
behavior in the store.”
Offer
choices: “When you find ways to settle yourself down, then we can go back into
the theater.” “You must sit at the table properly or leave the
restaurant.”
Try
the minimalist parent approach: “Christopher . . . ” (Then place your index
finger to your lips to signal him to be quiet.)
There
are several reasons children run away from home. Some do so because of an
unstable family situation (divorce, a death in the family, sexual or physical
abuse, or drug or alcohol problems in the parents). Some run away as a response
to over-control, neglect, or
conditional
love. Some seek to wield power over, get undue attention from, manipulate, or
punish their parents. Some suffer acute personal crises like pregnancy,
substance abuse, or trouble with the law. Some are depressed, and some just seek
adventure or are influenced to run away by their peers.
There
are certainly no acceptable natural consequences for running away, but there are
logical ones. You can tighten the reins by becoming their little shadow. Tell
them that until you feel certain they won’t fly the coop, you’re on them
like white on rice.
Solutions
toward self-direction
If
they’re little and are obviously bluffing at the door with their empty
suitcases in hand, say your good-byes without looking up from your paper.
“I’m sorry to see you leave, Billy. I’m really going to miss you, but
it’s your choice. Write if you get work.” That way, they can’t use
the threat as a manipulative ploy. Their problem remains theirs alone.
Take
a long, hard look at the family dynamics. Are your children being
over-controlled? Do they have
plenty of choices? Help them define their role or niche in the family. They must
understand how important they are to the entire family.
Using
the walk-through, pros and cons list, and other techniques mentioned earlier in
the book, help your children deal with any problems they may be running away
from.
Communicate,
communicate and communicate. Take the time to listen and understand your
children without refuting their word, trying to have the last say, or letting it
go in one ear and out the other. Most kids who run away complain that their
parents don’t understand or listen to them.
Use
questioning: “What troubles are you having that made this seem like the only
solution for you?” “What other options can you think of?”
Try
providing information: “Your Uncle Phil ran away when he was sixteen and
here’s what consequences he had to endure.” (List as many as you can, and
make it as graphic as the law will allow!)
Some
rules are non-negotiable regardless of the circumstances. This includes most
safety rules. Wandering away from us in public, running out into the street or
parking lot, playing with matches and, yes, that timeless classic “sticking a
knife in the toaster,” are just a handful. Some kids break these rules because
they forget, they don’t understand the reasoning behind them, or they just
want to get a rise out of us!
If
your children break a safety rule outside the home, take them home immediately.
Say something like, “I’m afraid you’re going to get hurt because of the
bad choices you’re making. We’ll try this again when I think you’ll choose
to be safe.”
If
your children play with matches, take them away. If they are overly curious, put
them in a bathtub full of water, and let them light matches under your watchful
eye until they’re sick and tired of it.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Come
up with a list of safety rules you want your children to follow. Explain each
one along with the logic involved. Use questioning: “What’s our rule about
playing with firecrackers?” “What do you need to do now to be safer?”
Offer
choices: “When you make better choices with your Boy Scout knife, then I will
return it to you.” “When you have your seatbelt on, then I can start the
car.”
Try
the minimalist parenting technique: “Erik . . . bike helmet.”
Don’t
use scare tactics. Reading the gruesome front-page news about child abductions
will just make your children overly fearful of their surroundings. This kind of
fear will make them react blindly to external threats, perceived or real. For
instance, say things like, “Leaving Mommy in the grocery store is not safe,”
instead of terrorizing them with the details of what could happen. For
the same reasons, don’t make them fear others by telling them not to speak to
strangers. Anyway, sometimes it’s people they already know that can put them
in harm’s way. I tell my children not to go anywhere with anyone unless they
have my personal okay, even if they’re just going to the park
with Uncle Larry.
So
much of that energy that’s tolerated at home can’t possibly be tolerated in
a school setting where children must pay attention and learn something other
than the sounds that come out of Mary’s mouth when her pigtails are tugged.
Occasionally, children will misbehave in school because they don’t get enough
attention at home, have a low self-esteem or don’t feel they have a niche or
role in the class. Poor conduct is their misguided way of meeting these needs.
Give
teachers your complete permission to levy appropriate consequences for
misbehavior. If your children are still disruptive, have the school call you to
pick them up. Believe it or not, children seldom see leaving school early as a
bonus. At least not under these circumstances. But just in case, don’t let
them have any fun when they get home. Keep them in their room to do schoolwork,
whether they have any assignments or not.
Have
them make amends for the disruption they caused. If necessary, have them
apologize to the entire class. If they don’t want to be embarrassed, they need
to make better choices.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Ask
the teacher if you can help out in the classroom one afternoon a week for a
while. You can observe a lot while you’re cutting out little brown teddy bears
from paper sacks, and this presence might give you some insight into what
motivates your children to behave the way that they do. With this insight, you
can better help your children solve their school behavioral problems.
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about behaving at school?” “How easy do
you think it is for your friends to learn and finish their work when you disrupt
the class like that?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “Your teacher tells me you’ve
been distracting the other classmates. Behavior like this makes it more
difficult for you and your friends to learn. When learning becomes hard, your
relationships with your teacher and the rest of the class might become more
challenging.”
Talk
to the teacher about helping your children find their roles in the class. When
children feel as if they have something to contribute, their behavior improves.
I particularly like finding a role that somehow ties in to their behavioral
problem. For instance, if Suzy has a problem talking in class, put her in charge
of giving everyone a secret signal to settle down when they’re getting noisy.
If Jimmy tends to run all over the place when the class walks in line to the
cafeteria at lunchtime, make him the line leader for a few days.
Some
children are over-protected and too dependent on a parent. Some are agoraphobic
(they have a fear of public places and crowds), some suffer from depression, and
some have a heightened fear of criticism, evaluation, and failure.
Hey,
going to school is not negotiable. They’re going no matter what. If they want
to go in their pajamas, that’s their choice.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Acknowledge
your children’s fear: “I know you don’t want to go to school, and you’ll
be a little nervous at first, but I have faith in you to work out those
fears.”
Don’t
cling to your children because of any separation anxiety you have! They
can pick up on the subtlest of signals that you don’t have faith in them to
work out their problem on their own.
Give
your children age-appropriate responsibilities early on. Don’t do everything
for them or rescue them from difficult experiences and mistakes. You need to
send a constant message that you have faith in them to be self-reliant.
Teach
your children the skills to recover from defeat, as addressed earlier in the
book, so that they aren’t afraid of taking risks and making mistakes.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “It’s common to be nervous
about going to school.” “When people face whatever they’re afraid of, they
usually get less and less afraid over time.”
See
under “Pornography and Sexual irresponsibility” and “Growing Up Too
Soon.” Basic message—polish that shotgun. (Not really. What I really mean to
say is—don’t allow it!)
Children
have trouble sharing because they’re afraid of losing things to someone
else’s control. Some feel as if their private property is the only thing in
their lives over which they have any power.
Don’t
force, but strongly encourage your children to share. Any disciplining should be
targeted
at the conflicts they create when they choose not to share, like bickering,
yelling, and hitting.
If
your children don’t share with their siblings or friends, they’ll suffer
natural consequences like losing a friendship or having no one to play with.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Don’t
even expect your children under three to share at all. They have no concept of
other people’s feelings at this age. After that age, teach your children how
to respectfully ask another child to share a toy and to take good care of that
toy while it’s in their possession.
Teach
your children about the benefits of sharing. I tell mine that if they don’t
share a toy, they just have the toy, but if they share the toy, they have both a
toy and a friend.
If
your children fight with someone else over a possession, don’t take sides.
Either don’t interfere at all, or, if the noise level bothers you, take it
away from both of them until they work things out.
Give
choices: “Johnny wants to play with one of your trucks. Do you want to let him
play with the dump truck or the backhoe?”
Use
impartial descriptions: “I see you shared your favorite toy with Timmy. I know
how hard that must have been. Look how happy Jimmy is now.”
Some
children are shy because that’s their temperament. Some are shy because
they’re over-controlled or over-protected by their parents. Some aren’t
taught the necessary skills to handle stress or failure. Some aren’t raised to
be independent and self-reliant.
There
aren’t any effective logical consequences that won’t backfire and make your
shrinking violets wilt even more.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Never
force your children to socialize. Never coax them to come out from hiding behind
you and speak, for instance. This makes them learn to react mindlessly to others
in fear. But don’t let them use their shyness as an excuse to avoid things.
Allow
for differences in personality, and let your children know that you accept these
differences as part of their uniqueness. Don’t speak for your children.
Give
your children plenty of age-appropriate responsibilities to increase their sense
of competence. Teach your children skills to recover from defeat. They must
experience and learn how to handle failure to feel competent.
Encourage
friendships that provide the right chemistry. Try not to encourage them to
befriend aggressive, manipulative, or bossy kids. Role-play various peer
interactions they might find uncomfortable.
Encourage,
but don’t force, your children to have new experiences. Expose them to their
world as much as you possibly can.
Help
your children find their roles within the family. Offer them ways to contribute.
Children
fight with their siblings because they’re struggling to find their special
niche within the family. Sometimes, it’s to suck you in to the fray and get
attention. And once you get close, it’s like a black hole. Even light can’t
escape its clutches.
Let
them work it out for themselves. Never take sides, come to the youngest one’s
rescue, or assume the eldest is to blame. Your attention might be just the thing
they seek.
If
your children fight over seating arrangements, nobody sits anywhere until they
work out a system. If they fight over television channel choices or time at the
computer, nobody gets to use either until they come up with a plan everyone can
agree upon.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Acknowledge
your children’s feelings. If your daughter says, “Mommy, I hate Erik! He’s
always so mean to me,” say something like “I know how upset you must be when
he teases you. I used to get mad at my older brother, too.” Don’t dismiss
her feelings with remarks like “You can’t possibly feel that way. He’s
your brother, for goodness sakes!” This response only creates confusion in
their minds about their conflicting feelings of love and annoyance.
Talk
about the sibling wars you experienced as a child, and then let your children
know how rewarding your relationships with your siblings is now. If those
relationships aren’t as close as you had hoped, discuss where and why things
went sour, what regrets you have, and what you could have done differently
growing up together. Our children can learn from our mistakes.
When
a new sibling is born, give the older sibling age-appropriate ways to help care
for him or her. This involvement makes them feel needed, rather than threatened,
by the new arrival.
Use
questioning: “I see you and your sister aren’t getting along well. You did
great yesterday. What’s different now?” “How does not getting along make
you feel, compared to when you’re friends?” “How do you think your sister
is feeling now? What are you going to do about it?”
Use
impartial descriptions: “I see you’re getting along so well together. And it
looks like you’re having a lot more fun playing than fighting. Look how happy
you both are.” “When you fight with your brother, I find that you complain
about not having anyone to play with.”
Children
spit to create an effect, to look tough, or to show aggression when they don’t
know how to resolve their conflicts with words.
If
your children spit on someone else, they should be required to help clean the
spittle off and make amends. If they spit on anything other than a person, they
should clean up after themselves and apologize to any onlookers. If spitting is
a big problem, separate them from their grossed-out “victims.” After all, if
they can’t behave properly with others, they’ll have to be removed from
them.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Use
humor: Make an official announcement that the Fox family lives in a no spitting
zone. Pretend you’re reading news in the newspaper about the Spit River
cresting past the flood plain at the Johnsons’.
Teach
your children verbal ways to settle their conflicts.
Offer
choices: “When you decide to use words instead of spitting to solve your
disagreements, then you can play with your friends again.”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “I saw you spit on the sidewalk.
Most people find spitting disgusting.” “TB and other diseases can be spread
by spitting.”
Use
questioning: “What’s our rule about spitting?” “How do you suppose
Nadine feels right now?” “How do you feel when someone spits on you?”
“What do you need to do to make it up to her?”
Some
children just don’t take to competition well. Whenever they lose, they
perceive it as a personal attack against their self-worth and retaliate with
sour comments, insults, flying board game pieces, and gnashing teeth. The fact
that society (including some parents) encourages a winner/loser attitude and is
so focused on competition adds fuel to the fire.
If
your children show poor sportsmanship, they shouldn’t be allowed to continue
with the competition. If their bad conduct occurs at the end of the game, they
can’t play in the next one. Say something like, “I can’t let you play
until I’m sure you’re going to be a better sport.” Have your children make
amends with whomever they subjected to their poor sportsmanship.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Encourage
cooperative games over competitive ones, especially in younger children who
don’t yet have the social and cognitive maturity to deal with defeat. Don’t
let your children win all the time when you play games with them. They need to
understand that they can’t possibly expect to win at everything.
Make
good sportsmanship part of your family’s identity: “We’re good sports in
our family.”
Give
your children the unconditional love they need. When they win or lose some form
of competition, focus your comments on how hard they tried, whether they were
good sports, whether they had fun, and how well they played as part of a team.
If
your children are involved a competitive sport or game that has one of those
coaches with that “Let’s crush the competition! Win! Win! Win!” attitude,
pull them out. The same goes for those sports where the parents of the team
members are thirsty for blood.
Use
questioning: “I see you’re pretty upset about losing your soccer match. What
are our rules about good sportsmanship?” “How does behaving like a poor
sport make you feel—better or worse?”
Role-play
situations that prompt poor sportsmanship from your child.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “I see you’re being such a good
sport. I know how hard that is when you’ve lost an important match. You must
feel pretty proud of yourself. And it looks like you’ve earned the respect of
your friends with your conduct, too.”
Whenever
you watch sports or games of any sort with your children, point out and discuss
good and bad sportsmanship in the competitors.
See
“Committing Crimes.”
Sulking
and pouting are really just silent forms of tantrums. And frankly, they’re not
restricted to children! People use this form of behavior to get their way, to
get attention, or to seek revenge. Children who are over-controlled sulk or pout
because they’ve never been given a chance to learn how to get what they want
verbally. Children who have permissive parents sulk because it works.
Make
it a rule that if your children try to get something by sulking or pouting, they
definitely won’t get it under any circumstances.
No
sulkers or pouters allowed in your personal space. They’ll have to take it
elsewhere. So, make them leave until they’re finished with their “poor
little me” act.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Never
make their problem seem more important to you than to them. Don’t reprimand,
threaten, punish, or tease your sulker or pouter. Just let children work their
problem out on their own. If you feel compelled to interfere, leave the room.
Remember, “Ho hum.”
Role-play
situations that tend to incite the child to sulk or pout.
Use
questioning: “What are you trying to tell me? I need words to understand
you.” “Do you think your behavior will accomplish what you want it to?”
“Do you like it when other people sulk or pout with you?” “How do you feel
about them when they do?”
Give
choices: “Do you want to pout in your room or stay here and think of a
solution to your problem?”
Use
the minimalist parenting technique: Get your child’s attention by calling out
his name. Then lift your pouting lip off the bottom of your chin and use your
fingers to transform your mouth into a smile.
Tantrums.
Every parent’s nightmare. When our children are in the throes of one, we feel
helpless, as if we’re watching an eruption from Mount Krakatoa. And they smell
our fear, people. They smell our fear.
There
are tons of reasons children throw fits. Some don’t have the necessary skills
to express their frustration, disappointment, anger, and desires verbally, some
want attention, some want revenge, some want to get their way, or some just
don’t know what else to do.
Never
give in to your children when they have tantrums. Keep that “Ho hum, take care
of your problem on your own, buddy” attitude.
Wait
quietly until he gives up, or pick him up (or lead him by the hand) and take him
to another room without uttering a peep. The fewer words, the better. If your
child has a tantrum in public, take him home.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Never
nag, plead, bribe, coax, wheedle, or threaten your children when they have
tantrums, or it’ll become more entrenched as an externally directed reaction.
Just leave them alone.
It’s
perfectly acceptable to acknowledge their feelings: “I know how angry you
feel, and it’s okay to be angry. I’ll just hold you until you’re
finished.”
Give
choices: “It’s okay to be upset. You can either express it in a quiet and
acceptable way, or you can have your tantrum in your own space.”
Use
questioning after the tantrum is over, preferably long after:
“You were upset in the grocery store today. Did you accomplish what you wanted
with that behavior?”
Role-play
whatever event prompted the tantrum. Have your child play one side, then the
other.
Children
tattle because they don’t know how to solve their own problems, they want
attention, or they feel they must undermine someone else to improve our opinion
of them. Bottom line: If we try to fix it, it’ll stay broken. It’s like
trying to fix a Swiss watch. You’re going to be picking up little pieces all
day long if you do.
When
your children tattle, they’ll incur the wrath of whoever it is they’re
betraying.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Establish
tattling rules. Basically, children shouldn’t be allowed to tell on someone
unless
life, limb, and property are at stake. Teach your children how to resolve their
own conflicts verbally.
Have
a “tattle box” somewhere handy. Once they’re old enough, require your
children to write out their concerns and place them in the box to be addressed
later. This delay will help eliminate those times they tattle just to get your
attention on the fly. It also motivates them to reflect inwardly on whether they
should handle the situation themselves.
Try
one of these approaches:
“You
aren’t tattling, are you?”
(Message: I ain’t getting’ sucked into this one, buddy!)
“I
know how angry you feel with Billy. What are you going to do about it?”
(Message: I understand how you feel and expect you to handle it.)
“I
know you and Billy can work things out.”
(Message: I have faith in you.)
Use
questioning: “You’re tattling. What are the rules about tattling?” “What
can you do to work out your problem without my help?”
Make
observations when they take care of their own conflicts: “Jonathan, I noticed
you handled things on your own when Tommy called you names. Wow, that’s pretty
grown up!”
Children
verbally torture when they’re jealous, when they want revenge, when they want
to seem tough and powerful, or when they’re angry and don’t know how to work
out their conflicts in acceptable ways.
If
your children tease or call someone else names, they’ll usually get all of the
natural consequences they need from others. As they grow up and get an earful of
teasing themselves, they’ll stop. But if things seem out of hand, remove them
from the other child after requiring them to make amends in some way. Tell them
they can join their friends when you think they can be kinder.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Teach
your children skills to resolve conflicts. Role-play situations where your
children are being teased and vice versa.
Use
questioning: “I saw you teasing Danielle. What are our rules about teasing?
What made you feel you had to do it? How do you think she felt when you teased
her? How do you feel when you get teased? What are other ways you could
have handled your feelings?”
Give
choices: “Do you want to go inside, or stay and be kind to your friends?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “I overheard you teasing Jane. We
use kind words in our family.” “Name-calling is hurtful and causes problems
rather than solves them. If you have a disagreement with someone, handling it
with kind words is very effective.”
Children
have so many opportunities to commune with electricity, it’d make Benjamin
Franklin, Thomas Edison, and those other electricity wizards proud. Kids love
handing
their brains over to some piece of equipment as though it were a hat check lady
at the restaurant. After all, passive entertainment is mindless, hypnotic, and
relaxing. They don’t have to meet anyone’s demands or expectations, and
they’re transported from the relentless criticisms and evaluations of the
outside world.
As
far as telephones are concerned, I truly believe there’s a need for a new type
of medical specialist, the “telephonilogical surgeon,” because most
adolescents need emergency surgery to remove the telephone receiver that has
fused to their ear. At a certain age, friends are the center of their little
universe, and telephone wires are the umbilical cords that connect them.
If
your children break the rules you’ve established for using any of these
gadgets, take those privileges away.
If
your children are cranky after their little one-on-one relationships with
electronics, take away that privilege for a week. The same goes when they
don’t comply with your requests while they’re using the telephone, computer,
and so on.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Establish
clear and reasonable rules on when and for how long your children can watch
television,
use the telephone, play electronic games, and use the computer.
Teach
your children how to entertain themselves without machinery. Help them make up a
list of choices, and post it on the refrigerator.
Use
questioning: “What are the rules about using the phone? Why do you think that
rule is so important? What do you need to do now?”
Offer
choices: “You can either try to abide by the Nintendo limits on your own, or I
can keep the machine in my room and have you sign in and out for it.”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “You’ve been playing video
games past your limit, and your homework isn’t finished yet. Bedtime is 9:30
no matter what.” “Playing outside is good for your mind and body.”
When
your children do create forms of play that don’t involve electronics,
make observations: “I see you’re making something out of papier mâché!
That looks like fun. How creative you are!”
Children
suck their thumbs and fingers because it feels good, because it’s a habit, or
because they’re experiencing stress.
It
isn’t necessary to render consequences for this behavior, because it’s
perfectly normal. After all, what’s the worst thing that can happen? Pick your
battles! It’s a lot easier to let them suck away than it is to hassle with
their unrequited urges and anxieties.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Never
tease, shame, nag, or punish your children for thumb or finger sucking. Never
try maneuvers like bedtime mittens or hot sauce. Not only is this ineffective,
but it fosters external direction.
Allow
your children to communicate their fears openly. Encourage them to discuss with
you those things that might be sources of stress for them.
Intervene
only if this habit bothers your children and they ask for your help. Then
consult with their dentist about thumb guards.
Trust
me, your children aren’t going to come home from football practice wanting
their Pull-ups changed. Children potty-train at different rates, because they
don’t all mature at the same time rates, emotionally or physically.
The
only consequence your children should experience is the fact that they have
something warm, wet, or stinky in their diapers. Some kids can’t bear it, and
others couldn’t give a hang.
Solutions
towards self-direction
Never
tease, shame, threaten, nag, or punish your children for their toilet training
accidents. Berating them only creates a relentless externally directed power
struggle that makes the Korean War look like a lovers’ spat.
And never reward or bribe your children for their toilet training
successes.
Give
your children your unconditional love regardless of their toilet training
status.
If
they’re old enough, ask them how they feel about their toilet training
progress. One hopes they won’t be so old you can ask them to prepare a
dissertation on the subject.
Don’t
compare siblings in the trials and tribulations of their toilet training.
If
your children are stinking up the area with their smelly little diapers and they
refuse to have them changed, give them a choice, “You can either let me change
you, or you can go outside until you’re ready for a clean diaper.”
Use
observations when they’re successful, “Well, you made it to the potty on
time! I bet your glad to be wearing dry pants instead of wet ones.”
Children
love exploring their world with all of their senses, and their grubby little
paws
are certainly no exception!
Provided
your children understand the rules about what they can and can’t touch, take
them of the store, for instance, if they choose to disregard those rules. Tell
them you can’t take them with you again until you feel certain they’re going
to make wiser choices.
Solutions
towards self-direction
Establish
clear rules on what your children can and can’t touch, but don’t be overly
restrictive.
Never
nag, threaten, or punish your children for touching things all the time, unless
you like those little parent/child externally directed power struggles.
Use
questioning, “What are our rules about touching breakables? What would you be
required to do if you accidentally broke something you touched?”
Use
observations when they’re being good about keeping their hands to themselves:
“I notice you’re not fingering everything, even though there are so many
tempting things in this store. I love taking you with me when I’m not nervous
about things being broken.”
Give
choices: “If you can keep your hands to yourself, we can stay and look around
longer.”
Children
skip school when they’re struggling academically, when they want to test the
limits of their power, when they’re experiencing peer pressure to do so, when
they’re depressed, or when they’re trying to avoid any other sources of
stress at school, including challenging social situations.
If
your children are truant, tell them you have to escort them to their class and
set them in their seats personally until you feel certain they won’t skip
school again. If this procedure embarrasses them, tough bananas. Have them
apologize to their teachers for missing class.
Solutions
towards self-direction
Teach
your children the value of an education. Keep the lines of communication open
between you and your children. Encourage them to air their troubles at school by
freely lending them an empathic ear.
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “Your teacher told me you played
hooky twice last week. Kids who miss a lot of school are required to repeat that
grade. I bet you’d feel pretty bad seeing your friends leave for the next
grade while you stay behind.”
Use
questioning, “What are our rules about not skipping school? Why do we have
that rule?” “What do you need to do to keep yourself from being tempted in
this way?”
Offer
choices: “When you decide to stop skipping school, then I won’t have to walk
you there myself.”
Examine
the friendship circles your children are in. If the friends, too, are recurrent
truants, forbid the association until your children can make better choices in
their company. Talk to the other parents to come up with a united plan.
Children
who have everything done for them and are consistently rescued from the
consequences of their bad decisions grow to be unreliable and irresponsible
adults.
If
your children don’t fulfill their responsibilities, they should bear the
consequences. If they forget to turn in their library book, they should have to
pay the fine themselves. If they aren’t reliable in those things you ask them
to do, take away some of their privileges. Tell them that the level of
privileges must match the level of reliability and responsibility, both of which
tie in to their level of maturity.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Don’t
rescue your children from their mistakes. Don’t shelter them from experiences.
Give
your children age-appropriate responsibilities from the beginning rather than
doing everything for them all the time. Teach your children skills to recover
from defeat as discussed earlier in this book.
Never
nag, threaten, label, or punish your children when they don’t come through on
their responsibilities.
Use
questioning: “You didn’t do your paper route this morning. Why do you
suppose it’s so important to be reliable in your responsibilities? Do you
think you might lose your job because of your bad decisions?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “Mrs. Jones says you didn’t get
her mail while she went on vacation, as you promised. We believe in fulfilling
our commitments in our family.”
Remark
on those times when they are reliable: “I notice you gathered up the
video rentals for me to take back to the store. That sure makes my job easier.
And I like feeling that I can depend on you.”
Children
become obsessed with their outward appearance when they believe it’s pivotal
to their acceptance by others and by themselves. Unfortunately, society sends
them messages that how they look is more important than what kind of human
beings they are.
Children
who are vain are often alienated by their peers. One hopes they’ll get the
message.
Solutions
toward self-direction
De-emphasize
the importance of their external appearance. Instead of telling them how pretty
they look, point out one of their character strengths instead. Don’t buy them
designer fashions, fancy makeup, and other things that encourage vanity.
Try not to make comments, negative or
positive, about other people’s looks on TV, in movies, in public, etc.
Use
questioning: “Why is there so much pressure to look perfect, nowadays? Do you
think this is good or bad?” “How do you feel about those who are overly
concerned with their looks?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “You seem to be so concerned with
the way your hair looks, now. Most of your friends care more about their
appearance than yours. What they do care about in others are things like
compassion, integrity, loyalty, and so on.”
Children
are wasteful when they haven’t had to experience or don’t understand the
consequences of this behavior.
If
your children are wasteful, they should do without or replace what they waste.
For instance, if they serve themselves huge portions of food and eat only a
small fraction, they’ll have to finish it for the next meal. If they waste all
the toner in the copier by photocopying their butts 300 times, take them to the
office supply store to buy a refill with their own money. If they purposely
break their last pencil in half, they should do without and have to use crayons
to finish their homework.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Teach
your children the importance of conserving resources of any kind.
Use
questioning: “What are our rules about wasting things? Why do we have that
rule? How do you intend to make up for your waste?” “What would happen if
everyone were wasteful?”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “You left your bedroom light on
when you left for school. Our electricity bill is already high enough in the
summer.” “We don’t believe in wasting food in our family.” “Water is a
precious resource. It’s a good idea to turn the faucet off while brushing your
teeth.”
Offer
choices: “If you’re still hungry, you can finish that second serving you
gave yourself, or you can have it for lunch tomorrow.” “When I can be
certain you won’t be so heavy-handed with the glue, then I’ll let you use it
without supervision.”
Use
observations when they’re not being wasteful, “I notice you were careful
about not keeping the lights in your room on when you left this morning. Over
time, that really lowers our electric bill. I really appreciate that.”
Children
whine because they want undue attention, because they seek revenge, because they
want to test the limits of their power, or because it works.
If
your children whine, their request should be immediately denied. Refuse to
listen until they can talk in a “big girl” or “big boy” voice. If they
don’t stop right away, leave the room or make them leave the room.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Sometimes
children whine because they don’t feel a sense of belonging. Help them find
appropriate roles within the family.
Try
humor: Tape-record your children while they’re whining and play it back when
they’re in a good mood. Ask them what they think about the sounds they were
making. But never use this tactic as a form of mockery.
Never
nag, threaten, mock, ridicule, or punish your children when they whine. It just
encourages them to engage you in an externally directed power struggle. To them,
negative attention is better than no attention at all.
Use
questioning, “What is our rule about whining? Why do we have that rule?”
“How do you think it makes me feel when you talk to me in that tone of
voice?” “How do you feel when you hear other people whining?”
Use
observations when they aren’t whining: “I notice you asked for dessert
without whining, today. I really enjoy listening to you when you speak in a
respectful tone of voice.”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “I see you’re whining. That
strategy has no effect on me.”
Give
choices: “You can either talk to me in a more pleasant voice or leave the
room.” “When you stop whining, then I can listen to you.”
Sure,
some parents with teenagers think this withdrawal is a bonus rather than a
problem, but it’s fairly natural and predictable. Why? Most adolescents have
many uncertainties about how their bodies are changing and the increasing
responsibilities in their lives. This uncertainty gives them the illusion that
they have less control, so they seek refuge in familiar surroundings that are
wholly their own. Some children feel over-controlled, under-appreciated, and
neglected by us. Many children this age have (gulp) done things they know we’d
disapprove of and hide themselves in their rooms because they’re afraid their
facial expressions, body language, or loose lips will give them away. On rare
occasions, our children become hermits, because they’re depressed or have an
antisocial disorder.
Hey,
sometimes they’re going to miss out on some cool stuff.
Solutions
toward self-direction
Let
them communicate openly without fear of ridicule or evaluation. Never refute,
criticize, or reject their opinions. In fact, encourage them to find their own
beliefs.
One
of the best times to talk with your adolescents is at bedtime. I love to sit on
the edge of their beds, stroke their hair, and listen to their concerns and
joys. This companionship lets them know you enjoy their company.
Spend
plenty of one-on-one time with them. Try to do things they like to do.
For
instance,
take the boys to the hardware store to check out the newest tractors. You’re
not going to drag them off to help you shop for lingerie. Not if you want to
live, that is.
Acknowledge
and accept their imperfections, and model how you accept your own. If you’re
perfect, take this book back for a refund and go talk to Martha Stewart.
Let
your children know that you expect them to make mistakes and will love them no
matter what. Discuss some of the mistakes you made when you were their age.
Respect
their privacy. Don’t barge in their rooms without permission, and don’t
force them to discuss their day. Just let them mumble. (Are there any foreign
language classes in Mumble-ese?)
Try
humor. Sprinkle M & M’s from their door to the dinner table.
When
you’re lucky enough to spend time with your teenagers, let them know how you
feel with remarks like “I really enjoy your company.”
Use
impartial descriptions and give information: “You’ve been in your room all
day. That’s fine, but we do expect to see you at the diner table at 6:00.”
“I know you value your time alone, and that’s okay, as long as your
responsibilities here at home are met.” “It’s rare to find someone who
enjoys their own company.”
Find them all in Raising Children Who Think for Themselves!